


11/33 (small truths)

by Ischa



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Implied Torture, Multi, Slavery, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-03
Updated: 2011-07-03
Packaged: 2017-10-21 00:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/218564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically this is about Spock being kidnapped by people who think all things Vulcan are valuable now that the planet doesn’t exist anymore. Kirk sleeping with Uhura because he had a thing for her even before touching her breasts and she is lonely, Kirk freaking about it, but unable to stop. Uhura being full of guilt because she has feelings for Kirk and Spock. And Spock trying to deal with all the things he endured while he was held captive for months.<br/><i>“There was this girl, she was really hot and when I got hit and stumbled, I fell on her. Kind of. Anyway, I touched her… touched her chest...”<br/>“Why the hell are you telling me that?” Bones wants to know pouring them another drink. Again.<br/>“I think I'm in love with her,” Jim says and he thinks he sounds like an idiot.<br/>“You sound like an idiot,” Bones says. Correction: he knows he sounds like an idiot.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	11/33 (small truths)

**Title:** 11/33  
 **Pairing:** Spock/Uhura/Kirk (in various combinations)  
 **Rating:** NC-17  
 **Summary:** Basically this is about Spock being kidnapped by people who think all things Vulcan are valuable now that the planet doesn’t exist anymore. Kirk sleeping with Uhura because he had a thing for her even before touching her breasts and she is lonely, Kirk freaking about it, but unable to stop. Uhura being full of guilt because she has feelings for Kirk and Spock. And Spock trying to deal with all the things he endured while he was held captive for months.  
 _“There was this girl, she was really hot and when I got hit and stumbled, I fell on her. Kind of. Anyway, I touched her… touched her chest...”  
“Why the hell are you telling me that?” Bones wants to know pouring them another drink. Again.  
“I think I'm in love with her,” Jim says and he thinks he sounds like an idiot.  
“You sound like an idiot,” Bones says. Correction: he knows he sounds like an idiot._  
 **Warning(s):** threesome, kidnapping, slavery, non-con (nothing graphic), violence  
 **Author’s Notes:** This would have been a disaster without the help from my awesome betas. Everything that isn't that great about this fic is my fault alone. I want to thank the mods, as they were keeping me from freaking out.  
Fantastic [MIX](http://jouissant.livejournal.com/25849.html) by jouissant.  
 **Word Count:** 25.890  
 **Beta:** sunhawk, tygermine  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real

\--+--  
~Prologue~

~+~  
As true stories go, there aren't any. Truth is all about perspective, after all.

Here is what his stepfather said: 'He trashed my fucking car!'

Which is true, but only because the car is trashed beyond recognition. Jim thinks about it often in the silence of his room. Grim satisfaction settles in his guts when he thinks about those moments when he was hanging between freedom and death.

Here is the truth as Jim sees it, knows it: The bastard deserved it and it wasn't even his car. The car belonged to Jim's dad, the one he never knew. The one his mother doesn't speak much about, the one he reminds her of. Maybe that's why she isn't home as often as she maybe should be (Jim shouldn't know that, but he is a bright kid and so he does).

So the car didn't belong to his stepfather, it belonged to Jim or would have in the near future. Therefore he could do with it what he wanted. He did what he wanted that sunny day. He drove it off a fucking cliff – he didn't plan it, that's the truth as well, even when no one believes it. He is not a difficult thirteen year old because he wants to be difficult. It's just how he is. It doesn't help that he is a fucking genius in the middle of nowhere. The only match to his intellect is his mom, who isn't there most of the time because she can't look at him.

Here is the truth as the police see it: James Tiberius Kirk stole a car, drove it off a cliff and nearly killed himself. He is a danger to himself and others. Needless to say, life doesn't get easier when the police are standing at your mom's door.

~+~  
There is only one truth. You gather the facts and they paint a picture. It's mathematics.

Spock is a unique being: the only humanoid alive that is both Vulcan and human, and yet neither at the same time.  
Here is the truth as his father hears it: He started a fight with some classmates and he did it because they called his father a traitor. All evidence supports that truth. It _is_ the truth.  
Here is the truth, that small part he doesn't give away, how Spock knows it: He beat that boy up because he called his _mother_ a whore. It's not really significant. It doesn't change the facts. He beat up a classmate and therefore has to be punished. He can’t argue with that logic, but the human side still simmers with anger at the unfairness of the whole situation.

~+~  
Nyota is not an only child; she has two brothers, both older, making her the little sister. Her daddy's little girl. She is also smarter than any of her siblings and they know it. As brothers go, she doesn't have it that bad. They don't hate her, but the sibling rivalry honed the competitive side of her until all she knew was how to kick ass and take names. That's Nyota's truth.

Here is the other side: She is smarter than most people and isn’t afraid to let them know it. This earned her the label of snob. Her mother sometimes wishes her daughter wasn’t so clever, daring, competitive and stubborn. She knows that her daughter’s life will be made that much harder, just by knowing that there was always something better than what she had.

  
~Part I~

~1~

~+~  
Gaila is giving her looks. She ignores them; she just needs to ignore them. The thing is, she knows Gaila, and Gaila never lets things go.  
“You were staring at him,” she whispers as they're leaving the classroom. Gaila likes to gossip, but she is also Nyota's friend.

“Staring? No one around here is worth staring at,” Nyota answers firmly. Gaila smiles.

“Right, your attention was on him exactly 37.3 seconds. On him only,” she says. She doesn't sound smug per se. Nyota has a brief moment of panic. If Gaila registered it, what if he did as well? “You look a bit pale...” Gaila laughs, taking her arm. “We should go get something to eat.”  
Nyota doesn't think she can eat anything at all. What if he did notice her staring at him?

~+~  
He isn't sure what the hell Bones is on about now.

And he has a headache.

“That's a hangover,” Bones says.  
Jim nods vaguely in his direction. His eyes are firmly closed. Getting up is a challenge he just isn’t up for. Lounging in self pity is the order of the day.  
“Booze and women....is that all you are here for?” Bones asks rhetorically.

“No,” he answers. His grades state that much. He is brilliant. No question there.

“You sure?”

“Have we met? My name’s Jim,” Jim would roll his eyes, but that would require moving.

“For a boy genius, you’re a bit of a moron,” Bones waves his hand.

“See? That didn’t hurt to say, did it?” Jim grins. “The moron part…well…I prefer the term free spirited.”

Bones mumbles something under his breath and then tells him to get the fuck up and put some clothes on. He didn't even notice that he was naked. Must have been a fucking wild night.

“Here,” Bones says and hypos him.

“Fuck!”

“You'll be thanking me in a few minutes when you're head isn't killing you anymore,” Bones answers unimpressed. Jim closes his eyes and thanks all the gods out there for Bones and that he didn't throw up on Jim that first time. He might love Bones, seriously love him.

“I love you,” he says, just because.

“Yeah, yeah...” Bones answers, but Jim can hear the smile that doesn't show on his lips. “Get dressed!”

~+~  
Spock likes logic.  
It gives him safety and lets him see things clearly. Nearly everything can be explained with logic and the things that can't, well, that's just a matter of time. He knows that applying to Starfleet was a logical choice, but he can't shake the small spark of satisfaction every time he thinks about that day he told the council to essentially go get fucked.  
Here is a piece of truth: A small one, a hidden one. His mother is not a disadvantage. He never thought that and he never will. She is brilliant in her own way; different from the Vulcan way, of course, but no less valuable.  
The work with bright minds in this place is satisfying. He likes being a member of Starfleet. He still isn't part of them, but he doesn't feel alienated either. He is Spock and that's enough for now.  
That's enough for the people he works with.

  
~2~  
Okay, she thinks, okay. She can do that, whatever. She can ask her supervisor out. Just for lunch or a talk or whatever it is that Spock likes to do.

“It's easy, really,” Gaila says, one hand pining up her hair, the other waving around. “Just ask him out.”

“It's easy for you to say!” Nyota shoots back. Gaila’s reflection gives her a look from the mirror.  
“I didn't mean it like that...” she adds, but maybe she did. For Gaila everything is a game. All the boys she is with, all the guys she brings back to their dorm room. “He's not a boy...” Nyota says, sitting down. She is playing with the hem of her shirt. A nervous habit she only entertains when no one can see it, except Gaila.

“He's just a man. Like any other I've seen. If he likes you he will say yes, if he doesn't he will tell you as much. Maybe in more words, maybe in less...No idea how a Vulcan lets someone down gently. If they even have a concept of letting someone down gently,” Gaila says, thinking. She's applying lip-gloss in a bright orange that goes very well with her hair and skin. “I'll be late, don't wait up!” she says brightly as she gets up, slipping on her shoes.

“Gaila?”

“Yeah?” she asks at the door, turning to look at Nyota.

“Thanks.”

“What are friends for?” she answers with a brilliant smile.

Nyota stands up and looks in the mirror. She is a good looking woman, she knows as much. She is a bright woman as well, smart and funny and can kick anyone’s ass. She is no coward. She takes the brush and pulls her hair into a ponytail. Her face looks nice that way and she likes how it bounces against her back.  
Here is another small truth: that's her warrior hair. Every time she goes into a difficult situation (a battle of some sorts) she pulls her hair up into a high ponytail. It makes her feel strong, like she could achieve anything. This is just another small battle, she can win or she can lose. But she needs to try to know for sure.

~+~  
Spock isn't sure why he says yes. Uhura seems as surprised as he is feeling, even if he's sure it doesn't show on his face. When he thinks about it later, it only seems logical to go out on a date with Uhura: she is smart and he likes her. She seems to like him as well. She was watching him intently for 37.3 seconds last Monday, without any significant reason. The only explanation of why he didn't realise her interest earlier, is that he wasn't thinking about such things at all. He has a lot of things to think about. Romantic relationships aren't high on that list.

~+~  
“When Pike found me in that bar,” Jim says, and Bones raises an eyebrow, Jim waves a hand; he knows that he told Bones this story a million times before– usually when he was drunk. “There was this chick.”

“Girl,” Bones says firmly. He has a daughter Jim remembers, nodding.

“There was this girl, she was really hot and when I got hit and stumbled, I fell on her. Kind of. Anyway, I touched her… touched her chest...”

“Why the hell are you telling me that?” Bones wants to know pouring them another drink. Again.

“I think I'm in love with her,” Jim says and he thinks he sounds like an idiot.

“You sound like an idiot,” Bones says. Correction: he knows he sounds like an idiot. Bones just confirmed his suspicion. He takes his glass and drains it in one go.

“Her name is Uhura,” Jim goes on. Bones raises an eyebrow. Jim thinks that it’s a really neat trick, he never mastered the eyebrow raise. It makes him sad sometimes.

“You got her name before or after you started a bar fight with four Starfleet cadets and touched her breasts?”

“Give me some credit here, Bones. Before,” Jim grins and Bones shakes his head and pours him another drink. “You know her?”

“I'm a doctor, not a matchmaker,” Bones answers, leaning back in the chair.

“She's studying xenolinguistics.” Kirk almost hits wistful with this declaration.

“Good with her tongue, hmm?” Bones just couldn’t help himself. The joke was inevitable.

“Hell, I hope so,” Jim answers. Bones laughs.

  
~3~

~+~  
Being with Spock is nothing like she thought it would be and exactly like she thought it would be. There is nothing complicated about him. Nothing she can’t see, nothing she can't touch. It's like finding a part of herself she was missing before.  
Where she is passionate, he is calm and when he speaks about them, it's all in terms of logic, like they are meant to be. Like he sat down and calculated it and this is the result. And it's good and satisfying. She is his missing piece and he is hers.  
It's just that simple. It gives her security that, against all odds, they are meant to be.  
There are things she doesn't speak about, like her family and she doesn't try to pry into his. It doesn't really matter anyway. It's not about family, it's about them. How they feel, how they fit.

How he makes her skin feel hot and makes her shiver when he touches her, even when his skin is so much warmer than hers. How his kisses always are soft and careful at first, like he's tasting, testing the texture, the temperature.  
It's in the quiet way he says her name.  
Here is another truth: No one ever said her name like this, like it's something rare, special. Precious.

~+~  
Jim sees her again under circumstances that couldn't be better or worse, it depends on the perspective. He is lying under Gaila's bed in his underwear, hiding from her room-mate and watching that room-mate strip. Like he said, it always depends on the perspective, and his is pretty good for now. She's talking about some transmission she heard and then stops.

“Gaila, who is he?” Uhura suddenly asks.

“Who?” Gaila wants to know, but Jim knows they’ve been caught.

“The mouth-breather hiding under your bed?”

“You can hear me breathing?” he asks as he comes up. She is standing in her underwear and he is in his underwear and there is a half naked green woman on the bed between them. This could be a dream come true. Except, this is Uhura and she's kicking him out in his underwear. This wasn’t part of any dream he’s had in the past. He suspects she's never going to give him her first name and he will die knowing how her breasts feel and her hands on his chest only when she's pushing him away. Could be worse.

Also he has a test to take tomorrow. He doesn't really care that Bones doesn't believe in him. Bones should know better than to underestimate him, he thinks with a small smile as he puts on his clothes in the corridor. He doesn't care much about people staring, he is sure some of them have already seen him naked before, even if he can't remember names or faces.

~+~  
Spock really doesn't understand why someone would want to be defeated twice or even three times, but there is no limit to the number of times you can retake the Kobayashi Maru test and when someone wants to do it a second time, well good luck to them.  
James T. Kirk is taking this test for the third time tomorrow and Spock will be there to watch what Kirk will do differently this time around. Watch him fail. There is, of course, no way to rescue the Kobayashi Maru, but there are chances to rescue one's own ship. With losses of course, but that's the lesson that has to be learned.

  
~4~  
She's there again, at his Kobayashi Maru test. He is endlessly pleased, with himself for the most part, but also to see her again. There is just something about her...

“We are receiving a distress signal from the USS Kobayashi Maru. The ship has lost power and is stranded. Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them,” Uhura says.

"Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them... _Captain_ ,” he corrects her, earning a death glare from her. He likes her a fucking lot, it’s the truth, even her death glare. It’s kind of sexy – or maybe he is really messed up. Bones would totally say he is messed up.

“Two Klingon warbirds have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us,” Bones says. Kirk doesn't say anything about Bones rolling his eyes. He knows Bones. Bones always rolls his eyes at him: Sometimes he asks himself why the hell they are friends in the first place, but then he’ll remember when Bones hypos him after a hangover.

"That's okay.” He knows he sounds smug, but he can't help it. He has this so down. He is going to win this test. No one ever beat this test, he’ll be a legend.

“That's okay?'” Bones asks irritated.

"Yeah, don't worry about it.”

"Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and locking onto our ship. I don't suppose this is a problem either.” Sarcasm in every word from Bones. Jim smiles.

"They're firing, Captain.”

"Alert Medical bay to receive _all_ crew members from the damaged ship,” he says.

"And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, _Captain_?” Uhura asks, her 'Captain' sound more like 'idiot', but he lets it slide. He has a thing for fierce women.

"Alert Medical,” he repeats.

"Our ship's being hit. Shields are at sixty percent,” Bones throws in.

"I understand.”

"Well, should we - oh, I dunno - fire back?” Bones asks exasperated. If Bones only knew, Jim thinks. He bets even Uhura would be impressed.

"Naw,” he answers, pulling out his apple. He feels victorious already. He's so owning this game.

"Of course not,” Bones answers. Jim is sure he wants to say something more, but suddenly the whole simulation shuts down and starts up a few seconds again. He is a genius. No question here.

"Hmm. Arm photons, prepare to fire on the Klingon warbirds,” he says to Bones.

"Jim, their shields are still up!”

"Are they?”

Bones turns to check and frowns. "No... They're not.”

"Fire on all enemy ships. One photon each should do it. No sense in wasting ammunition.”

"Aye, sir. Target locked and acquired on all warbirds. Firing,” the STO says. Jim never got his name. “All targets destroyed, sir.”

"Begin rescue of the stranded crew.” He takes a victory bite of his apple. “ _So_ , we've managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured and the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is... underway,” he says and looks up. He is pretty sure no one ever beat this test before now. Bones is hiding a smile and Uhura looks like she would love to strangle him. But on Uhura, that look isn't new.

~+~  
Irritation is the feeling he is experiencing right now. Irritation. Also curiosity. He really has no idea how this kid, as his supervisor called him, could beat his test. Cheating is the only logical explanation, but he will need to look everything over again and again to find out what this kid, this boy, this James T. Kirk did to win. How he sabotaged the test Spock came up with.

~+~  
Nyota is pretty sure Kirk was cheating. She has no idea how he did it, but she is sure that Spock will find out. Spock must find out because no one before was ever able to save the crew of the Kobayashi Maru and their own ship.  
Despite her suspicion, a certain sense of intrigue and almost pride sneaks up on her. It’s surprising and unwelcome. She doesn’t want to be impressed by Kirk, but dammit! You must be pretty smart to be able to outwit Spock.

Gaila is in a mood when she comes back. She's listening to old school Earth rock, sitting on the bed and staring at the wall really hard, like it personally offended her. Nyota is sure she has boy trouble. Maybe even with Kirk, that cocky bastard. She's heard stuff about him, but then she's heard stuff about Gaila as well and Nyota knows that most of it isn't even true. It's not like Gaila is a slut and she really seems to like Kirk – something Uhura will never be able to understand.  
Uhura knows better than to ask her questions now. Gaila needs to calm down first and then they'll go to a bar, order a few drinks and talk. She grabs her books and leaves to find a nice quiet place where she can do some studying on her own.

  
~5~  
“You used me!” she says sharply. He tries to look adorable and guilty. He used her.

“Listen, I'm sorry...” he tries.

“You used me! To cheat at the Kobayashi Maru test! I can't believe you!”

“Gaila...”

“You asked me while we were making out for fuck’s sake! We were about to have hot, wild sex and you asked me and that's...to beat a test! Kirk!” Last names out of a woman’s mouth you had hot sex with are never a good sign. Her hands are on her hips and her skin is dark green, really dark and her eyes are blazing and he knows he is never ever going to hit that again and not any of her girlfriends either...maybe not even another cadet as long as he is at the academy. Fuck. He should have known not to mess with an Orion girl.

“I'm sorry,” he says quietly.

“Oh, fuck you!” she answers and stalks off.

“Fuck...” he runs a hand through his hair and leans against the wall. Fuck, he thinks. What if she tells her supervisors? Again, fuck.

~+~  
“So, what the hell is wrong with you?” Nyota asks. Gaila is pacing the room and throwing things randomly at the wall. Cushions for the most part, but there was a brush and a shoe in the mix.

“Kirk! That bastard,” she stops and turns to face Nyota.

“Well?” Nyota isn't going to assume anything. She just lets her friend talk.

“I helped him cheat the Kobayashi Maru test...” she says and waits. Nyota nods. She doesn't know what to say. She is sure that Gaila didn't know or that he tricked her. Gaila isn't one for cheating.

“What did he do?”

“I was such an idiot!” she says and then tells her everything.

“That bastard,” Nyota says.

“Yeah. You think I should tell Mr. Spock?” Gaila asks.  
Nyota is silent. She is sure Spock will figure it out on his own, it is not necessary to drag Gaila into that as well. It's hard enough for Gaila as it is, what with being an Orion girl in Starfleet. There aren't that many and she is good at what she's doing and smart.

She shakes her head. “I'm sure Spock will figure it out. He has been working on this stuff since it happened. No need to drag you into this as well...”

“Thanks,” Gaila says, sitting down next to Nyota.

“No problem. It wasn't your fault.”

“I was so fucking stupid,” Gaila says, sliding down so her head lies in Nyota's lap. Nyota begins to stroke her hair, because it always helps Gaila to calm down and the rhythmic gesture makes Nyota think more clearly.

“He’ll get what he deservers. I'm sure.”

“Bastard,” Gaila says again. Her eyes are closed and her words aren't that sharp anymore.

“Everything will be okay,” Uhura answers. She is sure of it. She has faith in Spock, in his methods, in his logic, in his sense of right and wrong.

~+~  
The ‘how’ is quite brilliant, he has to admit. Despite himself, he is impressed with cadet Kirk. He seems to be surprisingly intelligent, possessing an intellect that needs to be cultivated. But it's clear that cadet Kirk is also a borderline sociopath with no real distinction between the rules and his own ideas. Spock puts the files aside and stretches in his chair. There will be a formal hearing. He is sure Kirk will not be kicked out of the academy, his record showing high marks and his aptitude even higher. It’s his attitude that Spock feels needs adjusting. He needs to be put in his place and be reminded that he is a mere cadet.  
It's not logical, he can admit it, but he is sure he can make it a logical request. After all, that's what Vulcans are famous for. Logic. He knows better. He knows that Vulcans aren't always logical beings. Every Vulcan knows it. The thing about his race is that they can make anything sound like it's logic.  
And they frequently do.

  
~6~  
The truth is, Jim is pissed off. It's not like he was cheating, he was providing a creative solution to a test. That has to count for something, right? How can this pointy eared, party-pooping asshole of a Vulcan accuse him of cheating in front of the whole academy?

“The test itself is a cheat, isn't it? I mean you programmed it to be unwinnable.”

“Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario,” Spock answers, calmly.

“I don't believe in no-win scenarios,” because he doesn't. There is always a way, you just have to find it. He has found one and that's why he is here.

‘Then not only did you violate the rules, you also fail to understand the principal lesson.”

“Please enlighten me,” he says as calmly as he can. Two can play this game and he doesn't like to lose.

“You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a Captain cannot cheat death,” Spock says and for a Vulcan he sounds smug, Jim thinks. If Vulcans could sound smug, that’s how a smug Vulcan would sound like. Jim can’t say he likes how a smug Vulcan sounds. Not right now.

“I of all people...” he answers. Bastard, he thinks. This is only to rile him up and he knows it and the fact that Spock knows as well, doesn't help how he is feeling.

“Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?” Spock asks, it's not a real question, Jim knows. He doesn't need an answer. He probably doesn't even expect one.

“I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test...” he says instead, because he _did_ beat the test. The Kobayashi Maru, the only test to go unbeaten. And he's never seen a pissed off Vulcan (he doesn't know if anyone ever has), but he thinks Spock must have been very pissed off if he is resorting to bringing up his father.

“Furthermore, you have failed to define the purpose of the test,” Spock says, ignoring Jim's answer.

“Enlighten me again.” And if it comes out a bit sharper than he intended, well, he is just human.

“The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet Captain,” Spock answers.

Wow, Jim thinks, what a load of bullshit, as if that would save lives. If the purpose of this test is to see everyone die, how the hell can one accept it in that situation? You're still dead, whether you die screaming or not. The result is the same and that's the truth. He knows that. He lives with it. His dad may have died a hero, but it doesn't change the fact that he is dead and that Jim never... knew his father.

~+~  
It's like watching a tennis match, only this is far more interesting that any tennis she’s ever seen.

She can't look away from Spock's back, okay she can, but only long enough to stare at Kirk's back as he tries to defend himself, tries to defend his cheating.  
He is unbelievable, she thinks. Fucking unbelievable. How can someone be cheeky enough to try and do something like that and call it a creative response to a difficult test? She could almost admire it. Almost.

And then comes the distress call from Vulcan and all of Nyota's attention is on Spock. The subtle shift in his shoulders – that no one else would even notice – tells her a million things.  
He's worried and she is too.  
A glance to her side tells her that everyone else is kind of excited. A real...something. They don't know yet if it's a battle or something else, but it's something real.  
Nyota doesn't feel excited.

~+~  
The first thing on his mind, is his family. Where are they? What are they doing? Are they together? What is the threat and how can he protect them?  
It's of course pointless to speculate on nothing. The only thing he knows is that the Fleet got a distress call from Vulcan. It could be anything.  
He has to prepare for anything as well. Logic is the only answer here. Not emotion. Emotion makes him weak, makes him blind. Makes him make mistakes he can't be making now. His planet is in danger.

~Part II~

~1~  
Here is another truth (it changes from situation to situation, but it is the truth right now): He hates Bones. He hates Bones with a passion, or he would if he had the energy. He really wishes that he didn't know Bones at all.

~+~  
Wow, she thinks, wow. How fucking unfair is that? Something hot settles deep in her veins. No way is she going to be on that ship. The _Farragut_. No way.

"Commander, a word?” she is so mad at Spock right now.

"Yes, Lieutenant?”

"Was I not one of your top students?” she asks, easily keeping up with him. She doesn't have brothers for nothing.

"Indeed you were.”

"And did I not, on multiple occasions, demonstrate an exceptional aural sensitivity _and I quote_ 'an unparalleled ability to identify sonic anomalies in subspace transmissions tests?'”

"Consistently, yes.” She knows that Spock really doesn’t have time for this, but he humours her. It kind of pisses her off.

"And while you are well aware of my own qualified desires to serve on the USS Enterprise, I'm assigned to the _Farragut_?” she wants to know and she knows her tone is maybe a bit too sharp.

"It was an attempt to... avoid the appearance of favouritism,” Spock answers, looking over her shoulder. She knows they have to keep this whole affair a secret, but this is beyond that. This has nothing to do with favouritism. This here is Spock being a douche.

"No. I'm assigned to the Enterprise,” she says firmly.

Spock checks his list and looks back at her. “Yes, I believe you are.”

"Thank you.” And she doesn't sound smug at all. Her mom would be so proud of her little girl.

~+~  
In his head, he is smiling at Nyota. If things were different he would pull his lips into a smile for her...but things aren't different and he can't. Besides he has a job to do here and maybe that job involves saving his planet from whatever catastrophe they're facing right now.

  
~2~  
She doesn't even have time to mourn Gaila, she doesn't have time for anything. Her blood is rushing through her veins at an unnatural speed. The destruction in front of her; there were no survivors, that much is obvious. This is a battle situation. They might die, she might lose everything and everyone she cares for, the things she’s worked so hard for. She already started losing. She lost friends she will never get back. Their bodies lost in space and time, among the stars.  
On some level, she knows she is in some state of shock, pushing everything away so she is able to do her job: to save this ship, to save the planet in front of her. To help Spock save his world. She risks a glance at him and smiles in her head. He looks like nothing can shock him. He is calm, logical and in control. She will be as well, for his sake, for hers, for this crew.

~+~  
Darkness, silence and danger. That is what Bones said and it's true. It's true now in this moment, while they're navigating their way through the wrecks of lost ships. Destroyed. Thousands dead. And his Captain (well, not his, as he shouldn't even be here) is going on a suicide mission. Things couldn't be worse, Jim thinks. After all, he is stuck with that pointy eared bastard on the only ship that can save Vulcan. Great. Just fucking great.

  
~+~  
Humans, when under pressure, tend to push logic aside and go with their gut instincts. It’s a flaw of humanity that Spock is glad he did not inherit from his mother. The important thing is to remain calm and objective, especially in the case of Captain Pike. How can Pike make Kirk his second in command?  
How can he go on a suicide mission and leave his ship in Kirk's hands if something should happen to Spock – not that he thinks something will happen, but you never know. Kirk's father might have been a great man, but that doesn't necessary mean his son is one as well. And what if Kirk dies down there?  
Spock shakes his head inwardly and lets it go. He can't change that. It was an order. Things are in motion now and he needs to try and fix what he can.  
He needs to try and makes sense of Nero's words, about him. Everything seems to be connected to him, he just doesn't know how.

  
~3~  
“Acting Captain's Log, Stardate 2258.42. We have had no word from Captain Pike. I therefore classified him as a hostage of the war criminal known as Nero. Nero, who has destroyed my home planet and most of its six billion inhabitants. While the essence of our culture has been saved in the elders who now reside upon this ship, I estimate that only about 10,000 Vulcans have survived. I am now a member of an endangered species.” Something is uncoiling inside him, like a snake, slow, but ready to strike. He might be in shock; his logical mind is maybe trying to warn him.

He heard them die. Every Vulcan everywhere heard their planet die violently. And they will not speak about it or show it. They will not express the loss...the anger, the sheer horror they are experiencing right now. It would not help, Spock knows, to weep and...whatever the right response might be to something like that.  
A part of him wishes he wouldn't care about what is logical in this situation.  
And then there is her. Nyota.  
He knew she would follow him into the lift. He counted on it maybe.

“I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.” She says, taking his face into her small hands. Her face shows everything his can't. She is...she is his emotion.  
“What do you need?” she asks. He clings to her small form, he knows he does. He is fighting for control. He needs to function. Nothing else. Just that. “Tell me. Tell me,” she demands, softly. Her fingers cool on his hot skin.

“I need everyone to continue performing admirably,” he answers her. That's what he needs, but not necessarily what he wants.

“Okay,” she says, kissing him. She understands.

~+~  
Just fucking great, Jim thinks. Things couldn't be more fucked up, that’s the fucking truth. He didn't save the planet. Vulcan is gone. He tried and he didn't and the look on Spock's face as he appeared on the platform of the transporter room. His hand...he isn't going to think about it. He tried and now he is marooned on a godforsaken planet with an older, alternative version of the very same man that sent him here.  
Things just can't be more fucked up. This life he leads, this life is not really his life. Not life like it should have been. His dad, his mom, his shitty childhood and the whole thing with Vulcan. This is not how life should have been. He tries to summon enough anger to blame Spock, but he can't, not after he's seen what Spock has gone through, not after he felt...and he is sure it was just the surface, just scratching the fucking surface of what they are really capable of feeling.

He doesn't want to know anymore of it. He doesn't want to feel anymore of it. It hurt to breathe for the first few seconds after the mindmeld. It hurt to fucking _live_. How anyone can bear this is beyond him and yet, here is Spock. Feeling all this…this loss and still trying to help. Still trying his best and not giving up. This is a man who lost everything: his planet, his friends, his culture. His people. His whole world.  
This Spock, Jim thinks, this Spock he could've call a friend.  
He isn't sure how he is going to emotionally compromise his Spock, but he sure as hell is going to try to stop Nero. It’s not Kirk’s ego agreeing with this old Spock when he says that Kirk’s Spock is handling the whole situation badly. If they leave him in command of the ship, earth will be the next planet destroyed. He isn't proud of that what he is going to do, but he must do it and maybe Spock will see the logic in it when the time comes. Or at least not take it personally and kill Kirk. Kirk hopes it will be the former.

~+~  
She would be surprised if it was anyone else, but it's Kirk, so Nyota isn't surprised. Well, maybe a bit. If anyone could beam aboard a starship that is travelling at warp speed, it would be James Kirk.  
As soon as Kirk speaks, she knows that he is planning something crazy. She watches in silent horror, like the rest of the bridge crew, at the events unfolding in front of her.

"Under penalty of court martial, I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.” Spock says and his stance is...she can see the tension in his shoulders.

"Well...” Scotty starts.

"Don't answer him,” Kirk orders.

“You will answer me.” Spock snaps.

"I'd rather not take sides.”

“What is it with you, Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and you're not even upset!” Kirk says. From her position, she can see Kirk's face and only Spock's back, but the subtle clench of his fingers behind his back doesn't escape her. She is worried for him.

"If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken.”

"And yet you were the one who said that fear was necessary for command. Did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?” Kirk challenges.  
There is a short pause. She knows he is remembering, remembering herself his face as they were standing in the turbo-lift, remembering his hands on her back, the tension in his body.

"Yes, of course I did,” Spock answers.

"So are you afraid or aren't you?” She thinks she might hate Kirk.

“I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.” Spock's voice sounds sharp to her ears.

"Then why don't you stop me?”

"Step away from me, Mister Kirk.”

"What is it like not to feel anger... or heartbreak... or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman that gave birth to you?” Kirk asks.  
She hates him. It's so unfair; he knows that every living being is feeling something. He knows that Spock is only part Vulcan. He knows and yet he keeps trying to provoke him.

"Back away from me.” She recognizes it for the last chance it is. She thinks that Kirk recognizes it as well.

"You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you! You never loved her!” She knows he is being deliberately cruel. She knows a split-second before it happens: she can see Spock lose control. She can see it in the way his fingers clench and unclench, in the way he is breathing, in all these small things he only shows her.  
She watches as Spock loses it, too scared to be shocked. As he attacks Kirk, as he nearly strangles him to death. She is waiting for him to snap out of it, she is ready to say something, do something when Sarek's voice breaks through the shocked silence on the bridge.

"SPOCK!”  
The silence is broken only by Kirk’s painful wheezing.

  
~4~  
There are things Kirk doesn't believe in, Spock knows that. Not only because Kirk said it. He just knows.

"Captain... the statistical likelihood that our plan will succeed is less than 4.3%...” he points out.

"It'll work.” Kirk insists.

"In the event that I am unsuccessful, please tell Lieutenant Uhura...” he starts and is interrupted by Kirk.

"Spock. IT'LL WORK.”

Spock isn't sure, but just nods. It isn't logical to discuss it now.  
There are things Spock knows. He cannot operate on faith alone. Not like Kirk does. He knows the odds of surviving this mission.  
Here is another small truth, one he is not telling anyone. One he isn't even entertaining in his head too closely. He doesn't know if he can live after this. He doesn't know if he _wants_ to live after this is over. He doesn't know if duty is enough. If Nyota is enough and he knows she loves him. He knows he loves her. He wouldn't have kissed her with Kirk in the same room if he wasn't absolutely sure about this. But he doesn't know if it is enough to go on, to live day after day with the _loss_.

~+~  
Nyota hates feeling helpless, stuck on her dream ship and not able to help the man she loves. She is here and Spock and the Captain are on the Narada trying to save the world and Captain Pike. She doesn't know if they'll come back. She is afraid Spock doesn't want to come back. The kiss they shared in the transporter room felt like a goodbye.  
She doesn't want to think about it. Suicide is not logical. She knows that. But she knows him, she knows Spock. He isn't only logic. He is passion underneath and now she isn't the only one who knows it.  
She is afraid and she hopes, prays a bit, that Kirk will bring him back.  
To her. And preferably in one piece.

~+~  
Things are looking really good, Kirk thinks. He doesn't suck as a Captain, but he is glad they have Pike back.

“Captain, the enemy ship is losing power. Their shields are down, sir,” Chekov says as they enter the bridge.

“Hail them now.”

“Aye.”

“This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Your ship is compromised. You’re too close to the singularity to provide assistance, which we will provide.” He says, looking at Nero. Destroyer of worlds. It's still the right thing to do, he thinks.

“Captain, what are you doing?” Spock asks quietly, turning away from the screen.

“To show them compassion may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It's logic, Spock. Thought you'd like that.”

“No, not really. Not this time,” Spock answers and Kirk thinks: Hmm.

“I would rather suffer the end of Romulus a thousand times. I would rather die in agony than accept assistance from you,” Nero spits a bit melodramatically for Kirk’s taste.

“You got it. Arm phasers, fire everything we got.” Kirk answers, and if he sounds too cheery, well he is only human.

“Yes, sir,” Sulu says.  
On the screen they watch the Narada disappear into the black hole. All this, Kirk thinks, all this...because they all feel too much.

“Sulu, let's go home!”

“Yes, sir!”

  
~5~  
“Father.”

“I am not our father. There are so few Vulcans left, we cannot afford to ignore each other,” the other him says, turning around.

“Then why did you send Kirk aboard, when you alone could have explained the truth?” Spock wants to know.

“Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together. Of a friendship, that would define you both, in ways you cannot yet realize.”

“How did you persuade him to keep your secret?” Spock asks. His other self smiles. It so strange to see yourself being old, it's even stranger how this version of him is so unashamed of who he is, of his emotions.

“I inferred that universe-ending paradoxes would ensue should he break his promise.“

“You lied.”

“Oh, I... I implied.”

“A gamble.”

“An act of faith,” the other him says his voice strong and firm. “One I hope that you will repeat in the future at Starfleet.”

“In the face of extinction, it is only logical I resign my Starfleet commission and help rebuild our race,” he replies, but he isn’t really sure it is the right decision.

“And yet, you can be in two places at once. I urge you to remain in Starfleet. I have already located a suitable planet on which to establish a Vulcan colony. Spock, in this case, do yourself a favour. Put aside logic. Do what feels right. Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say good luck.”  
Spock watches himself go, thinking about the future he wants for himself. About duty and if it will be enough.

~+~  
“This assembly calls Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Your inspirational valour and supreme dedication to your comrades is in keeping with the highest traditions of service, and reflects utmost credit to yourself, your crew, and the Federation, it is my honour to award you with this commendation. By Starfleet Order two-eight four five five, you are hereby directed to report to Admiral Pike, USS Enterprise, for duty… as his relief.”

“I relieve you, sir.” He knows he is grinning like mad, but he can't help it. He likes Pike. He loves the Enterprise. He loves being alive.

“I am relieved,” Pike answers in more ways than one.

“Thank you, sir,” he says, taking Pikes hand.

“Congratulations, Captain. Your father would be proud.”

Yes, Kirk thinks and for the first time in a long time the thought of his father isn't bitter.

~+~  
“Mister Sulu, prepare to engage thrusters,” Kirk says.  
She isn't exactly holding her breath as Spock enters the bridge, but she has the feeling everyone else is.

“Permission to come aboard, Captain.”

“Permission granted,” Kirk says, she can hear the grin in his voice. She can feel the tension on the bridge, an anticipation, so different from the last time Spock and Kirk were facing each other.

“As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references,” Spock says. Nyota knows it's a joke. She isn't sure Kirk does, but she thinks he is getting the hints.

“It would be my honour, Commander,” he answers and the grin is there still. Maybe he is getting Spock's subtle moods after all. “Manoeuvring thrusters, Mister Sulu.”

“Thrusters on standby,” Sulu says.

“Take us out.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

She gives Spock a wide, happy smile as he passes her by and he acknowledges it with the soft brush of his fingers against her arm.  
She thinks things may turn out alright in the end.

~Part III~

~1~  
“Captain James T. Kirk,” he says and looks into the mirror. The funny thing is he doesn't feel different at all, doesn't feel different from when he was just Cadet James T. Kirk saving the day. Some days (and in space they all feel the same) it doesn't feel real at all.

“Bridge to Captain,” Uhura's voice comes over the com. He gives his mirror-self one last look. Time to do his job.

“On my way, Uhura,” he answers and thinks: the excitement never ends.

Sulu is talking to Chekov and Uhura is giving him a bitchy look like she knows he was staring at her legs again yesterday during lunch. No way could she have seen it. No way. On the other hand maybe someone else saw. Like her Vulcan boyfriend who could strangle him and not even break a sweat. That is one of the less cool memories of his 'How James Kirk saved the day' story. He knows he could never have done it without this crew, yet everyone still seems to think he was the one who did it.  
He isn't sure he likes being the fucking hero of the fucking Federation. After all he couldn't save Vulcan. Sometimes he dreams about it; dreams about how he just watches as the whole planet is destroyed; dreams about Spock's outstretched hand, staring at the spot where his mother should have been. He doesn't call them nightmares, because they are memories.

“Captain,” Spock says.

“What do we have?” he asks, hoping it's something exciting. All this cargo from A to B and from B to C and from C to A stuff is getting really boring, very fast. He doesn't feel at all like he is exploring the universe, going boldly where no one has gone before, and all that.

“The New Vulcan colony needs some more supplies,” Spock says.

“And we are to deliver them, right?” he sits down in the chair and doesn't sigh. As stated before: The excitement never ends.  
The only new thing is that they are going to New Vulcan. Maybe they will have a few hours or a day to stay. He would like to speak to Ambassador Spock again.

“Affirmative, Captain,” Spock answers. Jim can't say for sure, but he thinks Spock is laughing on the inside. It's in the way he holds himself.  
He might be obsessing, but...well, he might be obsessing.

~+~  
Nyota doesn't laugh. She doesn't laugh because it would be unprofessional. Her Captain is bored to death and he is obsessing about the only thing that provides a challenge on a daily basis. Spock. Her Spock. She caught the Captain watching.  
Spock also caught the Captain watching. Her. Yesterday. The positive thing about being with Spock is that he doesn't get jealous. Well, she thinks, it's one of the positive things. The mind-blowing sex is pretty good too. She turns to look at Spock and he catches her eye briefly. She smiles, he nods, a warm glint in his eyes that is gone just a second later. Her secret. His. Theirs.  
She turns back to her station and sends a message to Starfleet and then one to New Vulcan.

~+~  
“A word Mr. Spock?” the Captain asks.  
Spock stops and waits for the Captain to catch up to him in the corridor. He is on his way to Uhura, but he can spare a few minutes if the Captain wants to talk.

“Captain,” he says.

“Mr. Spock,” the Captain starts and then stops, running a hand through his hair. A nervous habit, not unlike Uhura's playing with the hem of her shirts. Spock clasps his hands behind his back and waits.

“Okay, so how are you?” Kirk asks.  
The first thing that comes to mind is 'fine', but as he told his mother once, fine is not acceptable.

“Well, thank you, Captain,” he says. Kirk sighs.

“Good, I guess...I mean, are you going to take a few hours to visit your father when we arrive on New Vulcan? I understand that you haven't seen each other since we left Earth?”

“I didn't plan to meet up with my father, Captain, as he is not residing on New Vulcan right now,” Spock answers.

“Oh...and Ambassador Spock?”

“He is residing on New Vulcan, Captain,” Spock answers. The Captain gives him a sharp look and then grins.

“Should have seen that one coming,” he admits. Spock raises an eyebrow.

“Indeed.”

“So, you aren't going to talk to yourself then?”

“Usually it's a sign of insanity, Captain.”

The Captain laughs, but keeps his distance. “I guess it is. So you and Uhura are gonna stay on board of the Enterprise?”

“Lieutenant Uhura will beam down to New Vulcan and I will stay on the bridge. Someone has to be here,” Spock answers and thinks that the Captain should have known that.

“Right...so you're going to the mess?”

“No Captain, I'm heading to Lieutenant's Uhura's quarters.”

“Oh...okay, see you tomorrow then,” Kirk says.

“Captain,” he nods.

 

~2~  
“He's trying to be friends,” Nyota says.

“He is the Captain,” Spock answers.

“Still, he's trying to be friends and you are making it unnecessarily difficult,” she chides lightly. He doesn't look up from the PADD he's reading, no doubt something important that the Captain should be doing.

“It's not logical to be...it's not necessary to be friends with the Captain, you aren't.”

“Our relationship is complicated,” she answers, waving a hand dismissively.

“I nearly killed him.”

“But you didn't and he deserved to be put into his place, and besides if you wanted to kill him, he would've been dead. You know it and I know it. He doesn't.” She stretches her legs and wriggles her toes, so that they brush against Spock's naked arm.

“Your feet are cold,” he states.

“Your skin is warm, it's hot...bet I can make it hotter still,” she whispers. He looks up at her and her breath hitches. She loves how he looks at her, loves how he makes her feel. How her skin tingles with anticipation. His fingers close around her ankle and he pulls carefully until she sits in his lap.

“I heard he plays chess,” he says into her skin, his tongue gliding over her neck.

“He does...”

“I like chess.”

“You like a challenge,” she corrects. He bites her earlobe and she moans softly.

~+~  
The truth is, Kirk is drunk, really drunk.

“If I were Spock I would've beaten me up a long time ago...” he slurs.

“He nearly strangled you with his bare hands,” Bones reminds him. Jim waves his glass for a refill. Bones complies.

“Not for that...” he says, gulping half his drink down in one go.

“For what?”

“Uhura,” Jim answers.

“Right.”

“Did I ever tell you how I saw her practically naked that one time?” Jim asks. Bones shakes his head, and it doesn't mean no. It just means that Jim is an idiot and Jim knows as much. “I think I...”

“You want in her pants,” Bones states.

“That ship has sailed. She has Spock...I wonder, did she have Spock back then already?” He looks up from the table and at Bones.

“How the hell should I know, Jim? Spock’s sex life is not something I waste time thinking about.”

“I bet they're going at it right now...” Jim says, his head falling back down onto the table with a soft thud.

“I don't even want to think about it.” Bones pours another drink and puts the bottle besides Jim's head.

“I bet their sex is really boring...” Jim says.

“Don't know about that. She seems pretty fierce and Spock, well. You have seen his loss of control. You have felt it and had the bruises to show.”

“I bet he feels really heartbroken about it,” Jim grins and Bones shakes his head again.

“I think you need to get laid.”

“Is that doctor's orders?” Jim asks.

“You would like that, wouldn't you?”

“Yeah,” Jim says with a grin. He rests his head in his hands and closes his eyes. Things are pretty messy in his head, but they always were, always will be. He has no illusions about himself. He is who he is, he is who Nero made him, in some twisted sense. He isn't the person he should have been, but he doesn't think he is a lesser version of the man he saw in other Spock's mind.

“Thinking deep thoughts?” Bones asks after a while and Jim opens his eyes to look at him. He shakes his head. Not really denying it. Bones knows him too well for that bullshit and the truth is he doesn't think he needs to be the Captain when he's with Bones. He can just be Jim. “Drink some more and then get the hell out of my sick bay,” he says pouring another drink. Jim nods, taking the glass and gulping it down.

“Shouldn't you just hypo me?”

“Maybe you can just sleep it off?” Bones says.

“You're evil. Why am I friends with you again?” Jim moans. Bones laughs.

~+~  
Here is another small truth: Spock feels guilty and ashamed that he lost control during the whole Nero disaster.  
He is a Vulcan; he should have been able to control his feelings even in a situation like that. He doesn't think any other Vulcan...well, maybe any other Vulcan would have kept his calm. But Spock is not any other Vulcan. He is a child of two worlds with no real home. Except maybe here.  
Nyota's thigh presses against his leg and her hair is spread out behind her like a dark veil. She looks really beautiful; sweat still cooling on her skin, her eyes closed.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks, her eyes still closed. She always is tired after they have sex. He isn't.

“Kirk,” he answers and it's saying something that he doesn't say 'Captain' when he's with her. She laughs.

“I think we should try to not think about him when we’re together. It’s kind of off-putting,” she says. He can hear the laugher in her voice and touches her shoulder with one finger, runs down the curve, she shifts closer.

“You like him.”

“Well, he saved the earth and all that and he isn't that big of an ass anymore. Now that he knows about you, us. And I work for him,” she shrugs. It looks awkward as she's lying on her back. Spock can feel it under his fingertips. He likes how it feels, he likes how she feels. He kisses her shoulder and she smiles. “Gonna play chess with him?”

“Maybe,” he answers.

 

~3~  
Her skin is white, like snow with a soft pale pink shimmer. He has never seen something like that before. Her eyes are blood-red and that is the only part of her body (as far as he can see) that isn't pale. Even her hair. White. Her lips, pale, pale pink. Her nails are white as well and she is wearing a long white dress that only shows her face and her hands, delicate wrists. She looks like a wax doll. Her hand in his feels cool, not unpleasant but definitely colder than human skin. She looks like the ice queen he was imagining when he was a kid and his mom was still there for him and Sam. His mom liked to read them a story of the ice queen.  
When he brushes against Spock later, after he slept with her - and it is an accident, because what else could it be with them - the Vulcan’s skin feels hot, even through layers of uniform. He snatches his hand away as if burned, but Spock doesn’t comment on it.  
He feels stupid for doing it, but hey, he feels like that from time to time and he deals. It’s what he does.

~+~  
Nyota knows, just knows that the Captain slept with their passenger. It’s in the way that alien woman looks at him. Subtly. Of course, but Nyota has a Vulcan as a boyfriend, so she knows this stuff. Part of her – the part that isn’t pissed at him – is amused. She is beautiful in an eerie way. She doesn’t speak to anyone, just nods or shakes her head, a slight tilt of her head. Rumors are that she is telepathic. Spock didn’t confirm it. It doesn’t really matter, she supposes. You don’t need to be telepathic to know that the Captain has the hots for you. He isn't exactly subtle, but he tries.

“He slept with her,” Spock states in a quiet moment between them. She nods. Of course he would know, would’ve picked up on it.

“It’s how he is,” she answers.

“It’s unprofessional.”

“And we’re the epitome of professionalism,“ she says, touching his fingers with hers. He closes his eyes for a brief moment and she just looks, just enjoys how he is when he is with her. In these quiet moments she knows that they are meant to be. That no one can rip them apart. Nothing can. Everything can only make them stronger.

~+~  
“Spock,” Jim says and Spock spares him a glance out of the corner of his eye, but doesn't stop.

“Yes, Captain?”

“You're making that face again,” Jim answers.

“Pardon me?”

“The one where you’re scowling without really doing it. What did I do this time?” Jim wants to know. He thinks things went very well with the snow-white princess. She smiled at him before they beamed her down on the planet. Everything went well. No emergencies and no one died. That has to count for something. Spock keeps silent. Jim knows he is debating how to say it. “Just spit it out, Spock.”

“You had an inappropriate affair with Ambassador Rowin's daughter,” Spock answers, his tone matter-of-factly as ever. Jim nearly laughs, but he knows this is not the time or place.

“Yeah, it's not like it's against their culture or something and besides I can't start anything with a crewmember. That would be unprofessional.” Jim glances at Spock's profile, but Spock just looks straight ahead. He realises too late that Spock is together with someone from the crew: Uhura. “Sorry...wasn't thinking,” he mumbles, but he isn't sure he wasn't. It kind of stings that Uhura is with Spock.

“Not at all, you have a valid point,” Spock says, calm as always. “Nevertheless, I think we can handle it.” There is something sharp in Spock's voice, even if Jim is sure no one else would've picked up on it. The thing is, Jim is watching his Vulcan colleague carefully. He needs to find a common ground here. They can't be at each other's throats all the time. Granted, they are civil most of – or all the time now, but it still feels off somehow. It's not what other Spock had with other Jim. It's not what Jim saw in the mind-meld. They are on shaky ground here and they both know it. Jim tries to make them friends, Spock tries to avoid Jim when they aren't working. Jim doesn't know what to say, so he keeps silent until they are at the turbo-lift.

“See you on the bridge tomorrow...” he says eventually.

“Captain.” Spock says as a goodbye.

And that's it. Jim leans against the nearest wall and breathes, in and out and in again. Why the hell did he say yes when Spock asked for the position of first officer? Maybe it was a mistake to go with his gut feeling. A mistake to listen to other Spock. He closes his eyes and balls his hands to fists. No. No, Spock trusted him the whole time they were on the Narada. That is something they can build on.

 

~4~  
It's not exactly shore leave, but it's a time-out from playing taxi to various species and ambassadors. And Jim takes what he can get. A dark shady bar is exactly what he needs now. To get nicely drunk with Bones and then find someone Spock will not disapprove of. Or, well, he guesses Spock will anyway, because this is a dark shady bar.

“But it's not Spock's business,” he says.

Bones gives him a look. “You haven’t even started drinking, Jim.”

“I mean, I can sleep with whoever I want, right? That’s what the fucking right the Federation of Planets stands for.”

“I'm not sure that is the exact wording...” Bones grins.

“But it gives me basically the right to screw whoever I want if that person does as well. I'm right and I know it. Spock can’t argue with that, can he? I mean he has Uhura.”

“If you're going to start bitching about their sex life, I'm leaving,” Bones warns.

Jim grins. “Nah...” He knows he may be a bit obsessed with this shit, but it's not like he can help it.

“Thank god, let's have some drinks,” Bones says, waving the barman.

~+~  
“Was he pissed off?” Uhura asks. Spock raises an eyebrow and she waves her hand, smiling at him.

“I don't think so,” he answers.

“You're still making it hard for him,” she says. She knows it's how Spock is, but she takes pity on Kirk as well. The Captain tries his best and he isn't exactly subtle about it either. Well, not when he's alone with Spock, or them. Spock brushes his fingers against hers and she smiles, not looking at him. The sand under her thighs feels warm and the waves crashing against her toes feel wet and everything seems perfect. She lets the warm sand run through her fingers of the hand that isn't touching Spock's. They are alone on the beach. A small corner behind big rocks. That's why he's so free with his affections.

“He constantly ignores my advice.” He says it without looking away from the light pink horizon. She wants to say that that is how he is, but Spock knows that, so the point would be moot.

“He'll come around,” she answers instead and then because it just occurs to her: “He does trust you.”  
Spock's fingers entwine with hers.  
She buries her toes into the wet sand and doesn't say anything else.

~+~  
Spock doesn't say anything as he sees the Captain leave with an Andorian girl, her skin the colour of the Captain's eyes; a stark contrast to his own. He has no opinion on it. It's the Captain's free time. He can do whatever he wants with it, as does Spock, as does anyone. Spock isn't particularly interested in the Captain's conquests as long as they don't compromise the Enterprise and her crew. He supposes, hopes, the Captain will give these things more thought as the time passes. He is still young and this is his first ship. They are all learning their way around. Around the ship, the missions, each other.  
He nods, as the Captain catches his eye and the Captain grins at him.

 

~5~  
“Just go and ask, he won't bite,” Nyota says, he raises an eyebrow at her. “That doesn't work on me. I guess there are only three humans in the whole galaxy that can withstand the eyebrow, I am one of them,” she adds. He smiles with his eyes at her. She wants to kiss him, hard and badly.

“The other two?”

“Kirk and Bones,” she answers with a smile.

“Indeed,” he allows.

Oh god, she thinks, I'm so stupidly in love with him. “So, go and ask.”

“I will.”  
She brushes her fingers against his in a Vulcan kiss and he kisses her lips, hard and just right. Just how she needs it right now. “Later...” he adds, her fingers are already pulling on his shirt.

“Yeah.”

~+~  
“Captain, a word?” Spock says and Kirk turns around to his first officer.

“Sure, what is it Spock?” It's end of alpha shift and usually Spock leaves with Uhura to do...whatever they are doing and Jim isn't going there right now anyway. No way in hell.  
Spock falls into step beside him on the way to their quarters.

“I heard from Lieutenant Uhura that you play chess?” he says and it sounds more like a question. Jim risks a glance at his first officer. Okay, he thinks, that is new.

“Yeah, from time to time. I do. Keeps my brain young,” he answers.

“I also enjoy chess from time to time. Maybe you would like to...”

“You want to play chess with me?” Jim interrupts. Spock's shoulders tighten. Just a bit. “I would love to,” he adds hastily and Spock relaxes again. Wow, Jim thinks. Wow.

“Very well,” Spock answers as they are standing in front of their respective doors.

“You have a board?” Jim asks.

“Yes,” Spock says.

“Maybe tomorrow after lunch? Or do you have plans with Uhura already?”

“No, that would be agreeable, Captain.”

“Good...later then,” Jim says.

“Captain.”

Jim leans against the closed door and just breathes, in and out. Okay, things are going to be weird tomorrow, he just knows it. On the other hand this is a good sign. This is something good, right? Spock wanting to spend time with him. It must be. Jim is pretty sure Uhura talked to Spock about all this. He hates it that he wasn't able to make Spock trust him, or well...when he's honest here, he has trust issues himself, what with all the crap between them. It's just that they both know where to hit so that it hurts the most. Spock's mother and Kirk's father and all the small things they know about but don't use as ammunition. They could, and maybe that's why Spock is keeping his distance.  
Jim can't blame him. He was the one that exposed Spock on the bridge that fateful day. He knows it was necessary, he knows that, but it doesn't make him feel less guilty about it. When he allows himself to think about it that is. It isn't often.

~+~  
The Captain looks a bit uncomfortable as he enters Spock's quarters. Spock himself is not feeling nervous. This is just a game of chess. Nothing more.

“Captain,” he says.

“Spock,” the Captain answers, stepping completely into the room. Spock smiles inwardly. This is going to be uncomfortable for the Captain.  
The Captain sits down and Spock lets him choose the pieces.

 

~6~  
Two months in and Nyota thinks Spock really enjoys the weekly chess games with Kirk. She wriggles her toes under his thighs and he looks up from the book with Vulcan poems he was reading out loud to her. They aren't particularly romantic in a human sense, but she is improving her hearing understanding by listening to them. Also, if you know anything about the Vulcan culture, you see what is written between the lines. And what is written there is beautiful. It's a soft glance when no one is watching, a hidden smile, only noticeable in the line of his eyes, amusement hidden in his jaw and shoulders.

“So, you and the Captain?” she asks. He arches an eyebrow in amusement.

“Jealous?”

“Of course. You are spending a lot of time with him. What should a girl think?”  
He strokes her ankle with one finger and she suppresses a shiver.

“He is stimulating,” he says, “to the mind.”

She laughs. “Yeah, when he's actually thinking with his upstairs brain.”  
He leans forward and she does as well. The kiss is soft and careful. Just lips on lips without heat. No prelude to anything. Just here, just now.

~+~  
Jim doesn't like to lose. He doesn't like it. He’s lost too many things in his life and he hates the feeling. Chess is no exception. He hates losing, but Spock is a hard opponent and despite losing to Spock on a weekly basis (well, nearly) Jim enjoys the games. Jim likes challenges. He is getting better in reading Spock, in foreseeing his moves, in deciphering his moods. This isn't just chess, this is a character study. A study of Spock.  
Jim is learning here. He isn't only learning how to be a better chess player, he is leaning how to be Spock's...friend. Even if they aren't there yet. They will, someday.

~+~  
Spock knows that the Captain is studying him, not only his game, but Spock as a person. He feels the Captain’s gaze on him sometimes. Penetrating and contemplative. In a corner of his mind he thinks he should be more aggravated by it. He is not. He understands that this helps the Captain. It helps them. When the Captain understands him better, they will be a better team. A Captain and his first officer should be an unit.  
The crew and the ship can only benefit from it. And besides, he is learning as well. He is studying the Captain in turn.

~Part IV~

~1~  
Spock never thought of himself as rich, even as an ambassador's son. But now he is considered rich. Everything Vulcan is of high value, especially small things that have been in a Vulcan's family for generations. Spock doesn't possess many such things, but he does have a few. Therefore he is rich.  
Maybe they should have thought about this development earlier. But frankly, the whole Vulcan race was in a state of shock. They didn't care, they still don't care, about the _things_ they lost on their planet. They lost so much more. People they can never have back.  
He stands in the middle of his quarters and doesn't look around. There isn't much he took off planet with him when he entered Starfleet Academy. A picture of his mother in an old fashioned frame (it was considered valuable, he thinks it still is, as it is so old), a small figurine, an abstract object of art, a few books in Vulcan - poems mostly. Artefacts of a dead and gone planet, valuable because of the tragedy.  
He breathes in and out to calm himself down. He felt disgusted, he _feels_ disgusted, with the ambassador who is currently residing on the Enterprise. Kirk saw and sent him away. In any other situation, he would have protested, but he knows that he is emotionally compromised. Uhura sent him a soft look before the doors to the turbo-lift closed. He clenches his hands to fits and closes his eyes. Just breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out...until he can control the simmering rage in his blood.

~+~  
She wanted to slap that insensitive bitch, but instead she smiled, because she is a lieutenant and it's her job to be nice to stupid jerks and bitches. How can any sensitive person, any life form, say something like that? She shakes her head mentally. What a fucking disaster. She supposes that they should have thought about this. About how the destruction of Vulcan would make everything Vulcan valuable beyond your wildest dreams. She didn't and she knows no one on this ship did. Not even Spock. She isn't sure the Federation did either.  
The Captain smiles at the ambassador, but his shoulders are tight and his smile looks forced for everyone who knows him. He keeps an emotional distance, he usually doesn't when the ambassador looks...well, like this. She knows the ambassador finds Kirk attractive and on any other occasion Kirk would so go for it, but not this time. Her lips curve into a small, sharp smile. Kirk gives her a look over the ambassador's shoulder and it turns more real and warm. She can feel it. Kirk looks away; amusement in his eyes.  
Sometimes she thinks he is a good Captain after all. A good person.  
Uhura turns around to her station and does her job.

~+~  
Kirk is furious. He is fucking furious. How can a higher being be so fucking insensitive? He stomps through the corridors and his crew scuttle away. They know their Captain. This thought makes him smile, on the inside.  
He is glad his shift is over. He needs to look after Spock, needs to know how his first officer is holding up in the face of such...  
He takes a deep breath and knocks. He always liked to knock, to feel the hard door against his knuckles and wait until it opens while the soft pain in his knuckles fades away. The door opens with a quiet _swish_. Spock looks like always: his hands clasped behind his back, his back straight, his face blank. He looks okay. Jim is not sure this repression of emotion is the right way, not for Spock. Not for this Spock.

“Captain,” he says, Jim nods.

“May I come in?”

There is brief hesitation and then Spock nods. “Yes,” he says, stepping aside so Jim can enter. Jim never noticed the small Vulcan things scattered all over the room. He can't look away from the book with Vulcan poems on the desk or the piece of abstract art. His eyes are drawn to the small objects all over the quarters.

“Captain?”

Jim shakes his head and turns to face his first officer. “Are you alright?”

“I fail to see how....” he starts and Jim cuts him off.

“Spock. She was out of line for asking you something like that.” He runs a hand through his hair and doesn't look at Spock.

“It was only curiosity on the ambassador's part. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it,” Spock replies, his voice even. Jim notices that he doesn't say anything about Jim making him leave the bridge earlier.

“Thought you would be pissed at me,” he admits.

“You did what you thought was right, that is what a Captain does.”

“So...you'll alright?” he asks again.

“Affirmative.”

“Wanna play?” He says, pointing to the chessboard.

Another small hesitation and then Spock nods. “Yes, Captain, that would be acceptable.”

 

~2~

~+~  
Over the course of the next few weeks, Jim is busy with a lot of things. Mostly going boldly where no one has gone before, but sometimes also playing taxi for ambassadors and their cargo and well, not dying.  
Close calls are more often the case than not. He thinks he should have known that his first mission, his first day being a Captain, would set the tone of his service career.

“Jim! What the hell did you do?” Bones asks pissed off, but Jim can see the worry under the anger. He smiles, blood running down from the corner of his lips over his jaw to land on the floor of medical bay.

“This totally isn't my fault...” he says. Sulu adjusts his grip on him. He isn't all too steady. Might be because he got the shit kicked out of him. Again.

“I bet Spock will make it your fault somehow....” Bones mutters and then says sharper: “On the bed, right now!”

“Not until you buy me dinner first,” he slurs before passing out on the bed.  
The next hour is one hypo-spray after another and then he is lying on the bed and too exhausted to protest much. He is going to be alright again, Bones always patches him up and he is as good as new.

~+~  
Uhura looks both furious and shaken to her core.

“I wish he didn’t have to do that...” she says, she is playing with the hem of her dress.

“He is the Captain, he thinks it's his duty to make sure his crew is safe,” Spock answers.

She looks up from her fingers and at him. “I can watch out for myself,” she says firmly. He nods, he knows that. She is a trained member off this crew, of course she can.

“He only tried to help,” Spock replies. He knows she wants to say something sharp, like she didn't need the Captains help, but the truth is she did. She is still a bit shaken. “Doctor McCoy will take care of the Captain, Nyota. He will be fine.”

“I liked him better when he tried to hit on me all the fucking time,” she sighs.  
He nods, sitting down beside her and takes her hand gently into his. She lets go of her dress and her fingers curl around his. Hard. “He could've been dead...what a god damned fool!”

“Yes, but I found that despite terrible odds, the Captain somehow comes out alive.”

She laughs and it sounds a bit shrill, but not hysteric or panicked. “Yeah. I know. He said...I told him it was a bad idea and he said,” she pauses and turns to look at him. “He said: Uhura, it'll work. And I couldn't...I _believed_ him.”  
He nods, because he knows. He knows what she is trying to say, because he's been there before. He has seen the Captain, told him the odds and he only said 'Spock, it'll work' and Spock believed him. He kisses her temple and she laughs and it sounds like she means it, like she understands.

~+~  
She sits by Kirk's bed after her shift is over and waits until he wakes up. She wants to say something. Thank you, maybe, or to tell him how stupid he was or...she doesn't know. Something.

“What a sight for sore eyes...and head, and chest,” Kirk mumbles and she looks into his face. He looks okay...well, better now that the swelling has gone down.

“I see you're feeling better, Captain,” she says, he manages a small smile.

“Must be you,” he answers, his voice raspy. She reaches for the glass of water and helps him sip it. He nods and closes his eyes. He looks really exhausted and beat up. She feels something tender in her uncurl.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

He opens his eyes and he looks surprised. “I would... Spock would've strangled me with his bare hands if something happened to you,” he settles on.  
She smiles wickedly at him.

 

~3~  
Jim always thought he would get over the whole Uhura thing. She was, after all, just another girl. But the sad truth is that he can’t get over her. He knows and understands that she is not for him, that she and Spock, they found each other. That they are good together. He can see it in the way she sometimes looks at Spock. She looks at him like he is the only person in the whole universe. Jim envies him in those moments. No one ever looked at him like that. Or if someone did, he can't remember it. So his conclusion is that no one did.  
Before he knew Spock (and it's not like he _knows_ Spock – not even now, there is so much he still doesn't know) he couldn't understand how someone like Uhura could like him, or even love him. Now… now he knows that Spock has an unique sense of humour and that his eyebrow says more than a thousand words ever could and that he is someone on whom Jim can count.  
If he's honest with himself, he has no idea why he said yes when Spock wanted the position of first officer on his ship. At the time, it didn't seem likely that they would get along very well – what with their past. Maybe it was what he heard from the other Spock, or maybe he just felt it. Felt something. Something big, something great, something like destiny calling to him, whispering in his ear and maybe Spock heard it too. He never asked and he doesn't think Vulcans even believe in something like destiny. It's not logical. Believing is not logical at all.

~+~  
“We are receiving a distress call from a nearby vessel, Captain,” she says and Jim whips around in his chair to look at her. She knows that he is bored out of his mind. Nothing interesting has happened – well, nothing he found interesting – in weeks. She almost smiles.

“What is it?”

“It's Vulcan,” she answers. She can feel Spock's eyes on her, but she doesn't turn around from her consoles. “They are being attacked.”

“How far away are we, Sulu?” Kirk asks, turning around to the helmsmen ignoring the strong pull of deja vu.

“A moment away, Captain...” Sulu answers.  
She looks to Spock, who looks unmoved to the casual observer. But he can't hide the tension from her or the Captain. She notices. Kirk's gaze sweeps over Spock for a brief moment before he is focused on the information Sulu is giving him.

“Set the course, Mister Sulu. Maximum warp.”

~+~  
“Something about this whole thing just doesn't feel right,” Kirk says. He is walking beside Spock. His hands balled to fists at his sides. Spock knows he feels responsible for the whole thing. Even if there was nothing they could have done differently. They were just too late. But it seems like the Captain took it upon himself to save any Vulcan that is still alive and in need of help.

“Captain,” Spock says and Kirk risks a glance at his profile. Spock doesn't stop in his walk down to their quarters. “There was nothing we could have done differently. No one could have.”

“It's not about that!” Kirk says irritated.

Spock raises an eyebrow. “Enlighten me.”

Kirk smiles, but it looks thin. “They were attacked, but no one could identify the ship and I know that you guys know every known ship in the history of ships and...there were no bodies.” He stops in his tracks and Spock does as well. He turns to look at his Captain. Kirk is leaning against the wall of the Enterprise his eyes closed, thinking.

“Maybe they are lost in space or burned to ashes,” Spock says and doesn't really want to think about it. There are so few Vulcans left, losing one is too many. Kirk opens his eyes to look at him.

“I admire your calm in the face of all this,” he says and it doesn't sound judgemental.

“It's the Vulcan way,” Spock answers. More accurately, this is his way. Kirk smiles again.

“I guess I'm glad I have you here...” he mumbles. Spock doesn't know what to say to that, so he only nods and keeps silent. The Captain pushes away from the wall and resumes his walking. Spock falls easily in step beside him. “Something doesn't feel right about this attack, I mean more than usual...”  
Spock nods, because he thinks that as well.

 

~4~  
“There is no one here,” Sulu says.

“What does it mean?” Chekov asks. Jim shakes his head, he has no idea. This outpost should house five Vulcans.

“It doesn't look like there was a fight,” he says, looking around.

“No...but where is everybody?” Sulu asks.

“It's kind of creepy.”  
Yeah, Jim thinks. It fucking is. How can someone or something overpower five grown Vulcans? Jim has a very bad feeling about this.

“We beam back on board of the Enterprise,” he says.

“Aye, sir.” Sulu answers, taking out the communicator. “Scotty, beam us up.”

“Just the landing party?” Scotty asks a bit confused.

“Yes, just the landing party,” Sulu confirms.

“Aye.”

~+~  
The Captain looks worried and Spock doesn't like it when Kirk looks worried, because if the Captain is looking worried then things are going to go bad pretty fast.

“I need to speak with Starfleet and the Vulcan High Council,” he says. Scotty gives him a look and he raises an eyebrow. “Something is about to happen, I can feel it,” Kirk says, biting his lip.

“What happened to the crew of the outpost, sir?” Scotty asks.

“No fucking clue and that makes my guts do all kinds of unpleasant things, Scotty.” He shakes his head. “Mr. Spock you're coming with me. I think the High Council will be more...whatever they are more when you are in the same room with me,” Kirk grins.

“Captain,” Spock says following Kirk out of the transporter room.

“Who can overpower five armed Vuclans?” Kirk asks.

“There are a few races, Klingons for one...” Spock trails off.

“Something is happening and Starfleet knows it. And the High Council as well, why else would they have sent us here? There is nothing to steal, nothing valuable at all...except...” he stops.

“Vulcans,” Spock finishes for him. He said it himself; he is now a member of an endangered species.

“Fuck,” Kirk says.

“You think they have been kidnapped to be sold?”

“A few weeks ago a ship went missing...the...”

“D'Vahl,“ Spock supplies.

“It was only a small ship and Starfleet only found remains, so we thought it was attacked and destroyed, but what if it wasn't?”

“There were children on board...” Spock says, quietly.

“Shit, I need to speak to Starfleet and you,” here he turns around, “You are going to warn the High Council about this.”

“It's not confirmed, Captain. It's just a speculation.”

“Wanna wait until a few more Vulcans go missing from an outpost at the ass-backwards quadrant of the galaxy?” Kirk challenges. “I don't think you can afford to lose more people...”  
Spock closes his eyes and counts to ten in his head. “Shit, I'm sorry...” Kirk says.

“Not at all, you are right. I will speak to the High Council and my father,” Spock answers.

“Good.”

~+~  
The atmosphere is pretty tense in the conference room. She knows of course all about the missing ships and the missing Vulcans and she isn't stupid. She came to the same conclusions the Captain and Spock did. Someone – or a group of someones are kidnapping Vulcans all over the galaxy and the worse thing is that they might be doing it for some time now and no one knew about it.

“We should have alerted the Federation months ago,” the Captain says.

“Jim, there was no way in hell of knowing how this would progress,” McCoy says. Kirk looks grim.

“We knew there was a market for Vulcan artefacts when we had ambassador Rowena on board,” he counters.

“That doesn't mean we should have jumped to the conclusion that there would be a slave market for Vulcans...” McCoy answers. Uhura looks over at Spock. He doesn't flinch, but his lips tighten the slightest bit.

“The Captain is right,” Spock says and everyone looks at him.

“What?” McCoy splutters.

“We should have known. We didn't think about it because the Federation is not a profit oriented institution.”

“And because we are fucking feeling humanoids that are capable of empathy and no one who is capable of empathy would even think of something like this,” Kirk says. He sounds disgusted with everyone who could, who thinks of this tragedy as something you can profit from.

“Right,” McCoy says. “Now to the part where we do something about it.”

“We already alerted The Federation, Starfleet and The High Council,” Uhura says. “The next step is to alert all Vulcan outposts and all planets and ships where Vulcans are serving or currently residing.” She is pretty sure The Federation is already doing it, but Kirk is on a mission here, so.

“What we need to do,” Kirk says, “is find these bastards and pull the plug on their business.” He sounds determined.  
And that's why this crew is following him, she thinks and nods along with the rest of them.

 

~5~  
“You know, it’s not…” she trails off.  
He looks at her with one eyebrow slightly raised. She huffs in frustration. “I have a bad feeling, okay?” she asks annoyed.

“This doesn’t seem to be a more dangerous situation than others we have faced,” he points out reasonably. And yes, of course he would be reasonable about all this, but Uhura has a bad feeling about this mission in particular. She can’t explain a feeling to him.

“Kirk would understand,” she says.

“Maybe,” it comes out a bit sharper than usual, she looks him in the eyes, ready to say something, but he holds his hand up and she keeps silent. “But even so, he would rush in anyway,” he finish. And that right there is the truth as well.

“You’re right, of course.”

“That’s why I need to be there.”

“To protect the Captain from himself?” she asks and her tone is lighter now. It’s just a feeling after all and she has no supernatural powers. She’s just worried, what with all the disappearing Vulcans. She is afraid he will not come back one day, will be taken. It’s normal to fear that.

“Exactly,” he answers and his eyes smile. She grabs his hand and kisses him – the Vulcan way, the Human way and he kisses back.

~+~  
“Ready to kick someone’s ass?” Kirk asks and McCoy huffs amused. Spock isn’t sure he will ever get used to this reckless attitude of his Captain. Maybe, he thinks, maybe it's good the Captain is the way he is, because if he wasn’t, maybe Spock would be more…human.

“This is a reconnaissance mission only, Captain,” he says.

“Right. I know that, but if we find someone there will be some ass kicking,” the Captain answers, smiling at him. He doesn’t roll his eyes.

“You will bring him back,” Uhura says from the door. Kirk turns to look at her and nods seriously.

“I will.”

“Ready when you are, Captain,” Mister Scott says and the Captain turns away from Nyota and steps  
onto the platform.  
Spock sees her worried face when everything dissolves into light. It looks beautiful.

~+~  
“Fuck!” It’s Sulu’s voice and Sulu hardly swears. Jim is kinda worried. Spock is somewhere to his right and they are in a fucking tight spot and why, why the fuck aren’t the communicators working like they should? Why are there always disturbances when they _land_? For god’s sake. Something hits his shoulder and he turns around sharply. A small metal object, he has no idea what the hell it is, but it doesn’t matter. That is the space equivalent to a rock. He looks up at Spock. Spock is working on something and it looks like a communicator. Thank god. Jim grins at him and Spock doesn’t quite smile back, but it’s in his eyes. Jim can give him more time to figure this stuff out and bring them back to the Enterprise. It’s what he does best.  
The worst part is that he can’t really see who they are fighting against now. He just sees blurs and humanoid shapes in the half lit room they are trapped in. There are no clues about race or whatever, could be humans for all Jim knows.  
Something explodes too close for comfort and he’s up and running, ducking for cover, firing and trusting in Spock. Trusting Spock that they’ll make it out alive. It’s second nature by now.

 

~Part V~

~1~  
Jim can't even look her in the eyes. He feels so guilty. He doesn’t even know what the hell happened. One second he was ducking for cover, the next Spock was tossing something in their direction and everything was dissolving into light. The last thing he saw was Spock’s face.

“I’ll bring him back,” is the first thing he says. “I’ll bring him back.”

“You need to get to medibay right the fuck now!” McCoy says, grabbing his arm and Jim wants to shake him off. He doesn’t need help, he needs to get back down there and bring back Spock. That’s what he needs to do.

“Scotty beam me down!” he says sharply. He is dimly aware that he is bleeding, but he doesn’t feel it so it can’t be that bad.

“You are not beaming down there in your condition, Jim!” McCoy answers.

“Try and stop me, Bones!” There is no room for argument in his voice and he knows he sounds like an ass, but this is serious. This is important. He sways then and grabs onto something to hold himself up.

“Jim!”

“NOW SCOTTY!” he screams.

“I can’t,” Scotty says in a small voice. Jim turns sharply and well, that was not the best idea. McCoy presses a hypo into his arm and everything goes black.

~+~  
She doesn’t cry, because that wouldn’t help her or Spock for that matter. So she doesn’t cry or scream and hate Jim Kirk. She is sure he did his best, she is sure Spock made Jim do whatever…tricked him, because that is what Spock does. She does her job. That’s the only thing she can do while the Captain is out in medibay.  
The bridge, she thinks, is unusually quiet. She doesn’t look away from her workstation, she doesn’t want to see. Not now, it’s too fresh. He’s gone, she makes herself think it. Makes herself face it. Spock is gone. Was taken and they don’t know where. What they do know, is that these people now know that they are being traced. No, she thinks with a cruel inner smile: hunted.

~+~  
Spock wakes up because it’s cold. He has no idea how long he was out or how it happened exactly that he was captured. There was a lot of activity going on at once. The Captain made it out he hopes. That was his first priority. He should have insisted that the Captain stay on the bridge. It’s what the protocol says, but Kirk never was one to play by the rules – except when they suit him. His body feels heavy, he is sure he was drugged, would make a lot of sense. How else could someone overpower a Vulcan? He sighs, suppressing a shiver, and looks around.  
The room is dark and empty, made of cold metal. He shivers. No temperature for a Vulcan, but he is sure his captors know that and are doing it on purpose because they want to keep him weak. It works, even if his mind is still sharp, his body is slowly giving out. He leans against the cold wall and forces himself not to jerk away, makes himself breathe. He needs a plan.  
This situation is not all bad, he is a captive now, true, but he is in the hands of the people they are tracking, that is valuable information right here– no, he thinks, not tracking, not anymore. Hunting. And in the dark of the room he allows himself a smile.

 

~2~  
Jim wakes up groggy and pissed off. He sits up, his head swimming and makes himself breathe.

“The fuck?!” he mumbles.

“You’re awake,” McCoy says and Jim looks up. He isn’t sure what his expression is but it can’t be pretty.

“How long?” he asks trying not to slur.

“Five hours,” McCoy answers. Jim is only glad he isn’t pretending. He doesn’t think he could stay calm if McCoy gave him shit right now.

“Too fucking long. What have we got?” he wants to know as he gets up. His stomach clenches and his head is killing him, he grabs the bed and breathes. McCoy doesn’t try to help him or make him lie down again. McCoy, Jim thinks, knows him too well these days.

“It’s an unclassified vessel, gone as soon as you beamed back. We are tracing it, but…” he trails off shrugging.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Jim repeats putting on his clothes. “How’s Uhura holding up?”

“As well as could be expected.” It’s evident what McCoy thinks about that. “If you ask me she is way too long with him, she has this expression…”

Jim laughs, startled by it himself and buries his head in his hands. “I’ll bring him back.” He says.

“We,” Bones replies, softer somehow.  
Jim looks up then, but doesn’t answer.

~+~  
The Captain looks like hell. Nyota is sure he shouldn’t be up yet. He can’t even walk without grimacing in pain, but she will not tell him to go back. McCoy didn’t. That says something. He’s the doctor, he will do something when he sees fit. She catches Kirk’s eye and nods once. She doesn’t hate him. This job is a dangerous one. Space is dangerous. Their first mission was a disaster and they only made it out alive because of Jim and Spock and…they are good at this. They can save the fucking world. They can bring back one Vulcan. She trusts them, she trusts this crew with her life. Now she trusts this crew with Spock’s life and it feels somehow different.

~+~  
Spock isn’t sure how long he has been gone, but he is sure that the Enterprise is already on her way to find him. He knows his Captain, he knows Uhura. He knows the crew. They aren’t giving up and neither is he. The cold now makes his thoughts sluggish and slow. Even standing up, to stay away from the cold walls and the floor it’s no use. He thinks, he needs to wait for them to dock. From there he can figure out how to contact the Enterprise. What he needs is more information on his captors. Never before were they so close to them. And the Enterprise had been tracing these people’s movements for months now. Spock refuses to see the downside here. He can spy on these people, collect evidence against them. So they can bring them to justice once he’s free.  
A shiver shakes him violently and he closes his eyes, hoping that they’ll dock soon.

 

~3~  
Everyone on the bridge is tense. She isn’t an exception. Three days without a real lead to where the ship vanished. Too many interferences to make out the route. Too many small planets to hide in this sector, this part of the universe. Not enough allies. And Starfleet isn’t helping matters; giving them an ultimatum: one month. That’s ridiculous.  
She looks over to the Captain. He looks furious; ready to kill something, ready to punch anyone in the face who just breathes the wrong word.

“We need to work faster on this,” he says. His voice barely controlled.  
Chekov catches Uhura’s eye and nods. She smiles at him. Not her usual smile she knows that much, but they are doing their best. They are trying. They want to bring Spock back and she is sure, absolutely sure that they will.

“Aye Captain!” Sulu says.

~+~  
“I don’t care about Starfleet regulations,” he says urgently. Uhura doesn’t look at him. He grabs her arm and she does look up. “I’ll bring him back.”

“It’s not your fault,” she says, gently and that right there is killing him. She should be furious at him. She should scream and berate him because he can’t do it himself.

“It is. I made him go with me. I always make him go with me, because I can’t be trusted to…”  
She cuts him off.

“Shut up, Captain. It was not your fault: He…he is Spock,” she says softly. Her eyes are misty, but she refuses to cry and he is just so fucking…he has no idea at all. So he hugs her, hard and after a second of resistance she leans into it. He can feel her breath on his skin, warm and moist on his collarbone, her fingers tightening in the shirt in his back.

“I’ll bring him back,” he says into her hair.

“We,” she answers. “We will bring him back,” her voice stronger now. She leans away and he lets go of her, already missing her warmth. He straightens and smiles down on her.

“Yeah. I know.”

~+~  
Spock hasn’t seen any of his captors during the journey. No one spoke to him either. One meal per day is beamed into the cell everyday. No communication whatsoever.  
He is sure they were in space for days. He can’t say how long for certain, but maybe five, six give or take a few hours. He has a pretty good sense of time, even if he has nothing to measure it by. There is no noise when they dock. A few guards. He is too weak to fight, but his mind is still sharp enough to take in all the details he will need for later. He stores it all away in his head. He hopes that Jim will kick some ass before he gets here. He really feels like there is no other option.

~4~  
There are children as well. Men and women separated, but he knows there are at least thirty Vulcans held here, wherever here is. The room has no windows, is sparsely furnished, but richly decorated. There are pictures everywhere. He wants to tear them down. The adjoining bathroom doesn’t have any windows either. The only escape route is through the door and that one is heavy guarded. He’s lying on the bed, one of the boys sitting on the floor, maybe doing math. Spock can’t tell. Doesn’t want to know what this young Vulcan mind is going through to keep calm. All of them lost so much when Vulcan was destroyed. Family, home, culture. Their roots. None of them, he thinks – and that includes him – are stable enough to get out of this unscarred.

~+~  
She’s counting the hours, the days, seconds even – sometimes. One month and they are already well into week two and nothing to show. If they don’t come up with a lead shortly, Spock will be declared dead or missing in action. Nyota can’t have that. She just can’t.

“You should sleep,” Kirk says softly over her shoulder.

She shakes her head. “I can’t. I need to find him.”

“We need to find him and Lieutenant Indra is on duty right now, Uhura. Your shift is over. Go eat something and then sleep.”

She turns around furiously. “Don’t patronize me! I know what I’m doing. I’m the best communications officer you have, Captain!” she spits. She’s angry and frustrated. The bridge is eerily quiet all of a sudden.

“Out of the chair,” he barks and she nearly breaks down right there, all of her fight evaporating with those words. “Sorry…I didn’t mean,” he says softly and reaches out, but she can’t have that. She can’t be touched right now.

“No, it’s okay. You’re right…”she says, steel in her voice.

“Sulu, you have the bridge!” she hears him say and knows he follows her out. She’s torn between waiting for him and not wanting to talk at all. He makes the decision by catching up to her.

“I’m not hungry,” she says before he can even ask.

“I know,” he answers. She suspects he feels the same way about food, like it’s just killing time.

Like sleep is. “You should sleep. Lieutenant Indra is good at her job as well.”

“I know.” She feels guilty for saying the things she said. Lieutenant Indra is good at her job. This crew is an excellent one. Every single one of them. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did,” Kirk says and she wants to protest, but he grabs her arm then to make her stop. Make her look at him. “And you are right. You are the best communications officer we have, but not right now. Right now you are sleep deprived and exhausted.”

“You’re one to talk,” she shoots back, but it’s hollow and they both know it. She can’t fight with him as well. He is here to help. He wants Spock back like everyone else on this ship, maybe even more. Maybe Kirk misses Spock too.

“Go to sleep,” he says, his voice soft, like his fingers around her arm, his thumb caressing her. She wants so badly to lean in, to make him hug her – she doesn’t. “Before I get Bones to hypo you.”

“Yes,” she says instead and makes him let go of her.

~+~  
Jim watches her go and when he can’t see her anymore, he just leans against his ship and closes his eyes. She misses Spock and he misses Spock as well. Her misery is a mirror of his own. He just doesn't like to look at it too closely.  
He is not going to give up. He can't. He promised to bring Spock home to her, wherever home might be and he suspects that Spock is no exception here. Home is this ship, solid under Jim's fingertips.  
Bring Spock back to them.

~5~  
Spock knows how Starfleet operates and he knows that Starfleet will force the Captain to declare Spock 'missing in action'. He also knows James T. Kirk. He won't do it, or if he does, he will find a way to continue his search. He closes his eyes against the harsh light in the room, against the breathing of the boy by his feet. He just knows that something will happen and soon. They have been here three weeks already and Spock is sure this is just a reception centre. They will be sold.  
Stonn recites Vulcan poetry in his mind. Spock asked on the third day. He is an orphan and ten years old. That's all Spock knows, but it's more than enough. Stonn didn't ask who Spock is, Spock suspects that there isn't one member of his race left who doesn't know who he is. Maybe there were some unaware of his existence back when there was a planet – even as an abnormality, but those times are over.

“Do you think they know who you are?” Stonn asks out of the blue.

Spock turns to look at him, but doesn't get up. “I do not know.”

“If they know, they should be afraid,” Stonn concludes.

“I am a prisoner here just like you. There are stronger Vulcans than me, some a smarter as well. I'm not special.”

“Except that you are,” Stonn says, calmly. He is looking up at Spock with earnest, young eyes. Spock raises an eyebrow at him. “You are friends with Captain Kirk,” Stonn concludes.

“That is very true,” Spock answers and Stonn goes back to recite poems in his mind.

~+~  
“If we come up with nothing in the next two days we're gonna make something up,” Kirk says. No one disagrees with him. Nyota knows why, but it still doesn't feel right to just let the Captain do what he wishes to do. When things go from bad to disastrous, he will be the one without a job. Maybe not only him, as she knows he will not make anyone follow him, but they will nevertheless. She turns back to her workstation and waits until the shift is over to talk with him about it.

~+~  
“If this is about you feeling guilty...” she says and he cuts her off, because of course it is. What else?

“I told you I'll bring him back.”

“If Starfleet learns about this, you will lose your job, we will lose our Captain.”

“Do you really think they would just throw me out?” he challenges, because he doesn't think so. It's the honest to god truth. He doesn't think Starfleet is going to throw him out. He is a hero – that must count for something.

“They are ready to declare Spock 'missing in action',” she answers sharply. “He is a hero too and they are going to...” she cuts herself off and bites her lip. He watches her teeth drag over her bottom lip until it whites out.

“I know. That's why we are going to do what we need to do. He would've done the same for you,” he says, touching her arm. Her head jerks in his direction and his fingers tighten on her arm. He doesn't mean to do it. It's just that she's the only one who is feeling hollow too. He pulls her in then. Hugs her tight and she lets out a soft noise, not quite a moan, leaning into him.

 

~6~  
At first it's nothing more than loneliness and anger and desperation. And the fact that he is feeling it too. Nyota is very aware of it. She is aware that they are just falling into it, into each other and that she should stop it and stop it now, but she doesn't seem to have the strength.

When she's with Kirk, everything falls away for a little while. For those precious hours, minutes, seconds, all she can do is feel; feel his fingers on her skin, his tongue, his lips. Him on her, in her. He's breaking her apart and putting her back together and maybe it's only guilt on his part or lust - she is aware of this as well – but she doesn't care. It keeps her sane while they are doing anything, everything to find Spock. She doesn't think about what she is doing in these stolen hours with Kirk when she should be searching for Spock.

When they started it a few weeks ago, she just put on her clothes after and left, now she finds herself lingering. Taking her time coming down, letting Kirk stroke her arm, her hip, kiss her shoulder. Taking time getting up, putting her clothes back on. And she really doesn't want to think about it. Not with Spock still missing.

~+~  
Spock wakes up to an unfamiliar room. With windows, he can feel sunlight on his skin. The bed he is lying in is softer, smells like flowers. His mind is sharp and awake in an instant.  
After he finds out how the land lies, he is certain that he was drugged and taken away. Not a new method but an effective one- And he is alone. Stonn is not here with him.  
For a while he thought they would let him stay with Stonn, he should have known better. The bad guys – as the Captain would put it, maybe even more colourfully – never leave the kids alone. He misses Stonn's quiet presence. He promises himself and that boy that he will find him. There is no question in his mind about it. He will escape and he will contact the Enterprise and then he will rescue that boy and all the others.  
He finds the window open and wonders briefly if he will fit through it, but when he gets too close to it, his whole body starts to hurt, the pain getting worse by the second until he is shaking from it, every muscle and nerve screaming at him to stop. He takes a few steps back and the pain ebbs away.  
His captors have done something to him, something to prevent him from escaping. He realises with a shock of disgust that he is like a pet; sold to be something rare and showed off. The rage nearly overtakes him.

~+~  
“You are screwing Uhura,” McCoy states.

Jim shudders under his gaze. “It's not...”

Bones cuts him off. “Don't tell me it's not what it looks like, because I know you. Jim. What the hell were you thinking?” he wants to know, his voice sharp.

“She misses him.”

“So you’re taking advantage of that?” McCoy asks sharply.

“No, she misses him and I miss him and she is the only one who understands how that feels,” he rakes a hand through his hair and sits down on one of the medibeds.

“What exactly are you trying to say?” Bones frowns.

“I don't know! Maybe I am a scumbag and was just waiting for her to be weak? Fuck!” he answers with feeling.

“Jim...”

“I know it's wrong, okay? I know. But when I'm with her, it doesn't seem so hopeless.” He looks up at McCoy then.

“It's not hopeless.”

“We followed every lead we had, every whisper and still nothing. We have nothing!” he answers sharply. He feels like he's failed Spock, Uhura, the crew. They had a few close calls over the last months as well, desperation making them all restless, careless. When he's honest with himself, he is just waiting for Starfleet to put them down like a rabid dog.

“We'll find him, Jim,” McCoy says. Jim nods, but he isn’t sure he believes it.

 

~7~  
Spock still counts the days. He refuses to give up. He saved a planet (not his, but his mother’s), he can get through this. Most of his days are dull, so he occupies his mind with plans and sometimes with fantasies of revenge – not too often, it doesn’t do him any good.  
If he were human, he supposes he would’ve maybe broken down by now, but he is not human. More importantly, he is Spock. All the things this woman did to him, made him do. Her touch alone makes him shudder. She is well aware that he can read her thoughts, she wants it, she wants him to know what she’ll do if he refuses her. She likes to make him uncomfortable, she likes to hurt him without even touching him; projecting thoughts and pictures into his mind. Pain forms in his brain. She doesn’t need to touch him to make him scream. He did try to shield his mind from her.

 _I know you kind of like him, that little Vulcan boy that was with you for weeks…_ her mind had whispered the first time he refused her. _He is here now. I can do whatever I want with him and no one, except you, will ever know._ Her mind’s voice was matter of fact about it. Like she had done it before, that it was only something that needed to be done so she could enjoy herself. He gave in then, realising that it was the only reason to put Stonn and him together for so long. So that they would care about each other. The analytical part of his mind congratulates the kidnappers on this idea, the rest of him is appalled and angry.  
He doesn’t show it. He needs to make her trust him enough so that he maybe can leave the room from time to time, find a way to communicate with the world outside.

~+~  
Chekov nearly falls from his chair and Jim looks at him sharply and then Uhura takes a deep breath and Jim is all attention.

“Okay, what have we got?” he asks. He can barely contain his hope that they’ve found something.

“Something,” Uhura says.

“Uhura!”

“I don’t know yet. But it sounds like…” she strains to hear and everyone on the bridge goes quiet. Jim is sure Chekov is even holding his breath. “Vulcan poetry,” she says with a soft smile.

“And?” Sulu wants to know, the excitement of a possible lead eating at him.

“He wrote it for me. It’s terrible…” she says shocked.

“Okay. Locate the source and we’re getting him out. Right the fuck now,” Jim says. McCoy gives him a look, Jim ignores it as usual. There is a flurry of motion on the bridge and Jim feels useless. He can only wait until someone finds the source, finds a way in and then, then he can do what he does best.

“Storm in guns blazing?” McCoy asks.

“Diplomatically, of course,” Jim answers with steel in his voice.

“Try not to kill anyone.”

“I’m not making any promises,” Jim replies and it should sound flippant, but it doesn’t. He really can’t make any promises. Months… months and god only knows what they did to Spock. Months of looking everywhere, going against direct orders (in a sneaky way, but still), months of guilt, months of being with Uhura. Fuck. He really wants to kick someone’s ass for all this shit and badly.  
McCoy, to his credit, keeps quiet.

~+~  
The truth is, she nearly lost it on the bridge as she deciphered the words. A code they invented just for the fun of it (in her case, in Spock’s…well) , a code no one ever could decipher. And he sent her love poetry, horrible, horrible self written Vulcan love poetry.  
She knows this message is left by Spock and she trusts this crew to find the source, to find Spock and to bring him home. She trusts Kirk to bring him home. When she pulls herself together, she turns to look at him. He looks murderous. And happy. She nearly smiles. It’s what he does best: Storm in guns blazing and rescue whoever needs to be rescued. She trust him not to do anything stupid, because this is not about revenge, this is not even about justice. This is about Spock. He catches her eye and smiles at her, the smile growing into a grin and she raises an eyebrow and turns back around, hiding a smile she knows he knows is there.

~Part VI~

~1~  
Spock looks collected as ever when they finally find him. He is sitting in a chair, reading a book. He gets up and says ‘Captain’ and Jim wants to hug him. Wants it so bad, but there is pandemonium in the house of the ambassador and they just don’t have the time now.

“Spock! We need to get out of here now!” he says and he knows he is grinning.

“Have you found the boy?” Spock asks, catching the phaser Jim throws at him easily.

“What boy?” he wants to know, distracted. The ambassador is pretty pissed off right now and he has to get them all out of there alive.

“Stonn,” Spock says as if that should clarify anything

“He was held here with you?”

“Affirmative,” Spock says.

“Sulu?” Jim says.

“Yes, Captain?”

“There is a boy somewhere here. Find him! We’re taking him back and anyone else who you find! And hurry!”

“Aye Captain!”

“Scotty?”

“Aye Captain!”

“How much longer?”

“Ten minutes, Captain.”

“Beam up everyone we don’t need down here. Immediately.”

“Aye Captain!”

“Spock, are there any others?”

“Yes. I can show you if you have a plan of the building?” Spock says. Jim gives him a look.

“You can show me on the way out of here!” he answers.

“I can’t get out. They did something to me, I can’t leave the room with out being in pain,” he states and Jim knows that when he says ‘pain’ he means something that makes him pass out from it, because there is no way in hell a bit pain would stop him.

“Fuck!” Jim says and calls for Chekov and Bones. When they’re in the room he leaves them with Spock to figure this out and runs to find that ambassador woman. He needs to make her talk. He _wants_ to make her bleed, but that would screw things up for them so he’ll try for something else.

~+~  
When Sulu and Uhura find the boy Spock had mentioned, she wants to kill someone. That woman. Really badly.  
The boy is weak and drugged out of his mind and he still tries to shy away from her touch.

“It’s no use. Sulu you need to get him. He is afraid of me.”

“Not you,” Sulu says. “Women.” He picks the boy up and hurries out of the dark, windowless room. Uhura hates the world, she hates everything in this very moment.

~+~  
The first thing he thinks, after the doctor and Chekov figured out how to by-pass the device that kept him here for so long (and it wasn’t only that, Spock knows that, it also was Stonn), is that there are too many people. Too many people who could touch him. He pushes the thought back and concentrates on the things he needs to do. Find the other prisoners, get out of here. Find Stonn. He catches up to the Captain a few minutes later.

“Captain?” Sulu voice pipes up through the communicator.

“Yes, Mister Sulu?”

“We have the boy! We’re beaming up right now,” Sulu says.

“They have the boy and are beaming up,” Kirk repeats for him. Spock nods. He feels calmer now that he knows Stonn is saved.

“This way,” he says and the Captain follows.

 

~2~  
McCoy seems pleased with how unharmed Jim is, but he looks pissed at the state the Vulcan kid is in.

“I swear to god,” he says, but doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t need to, Jim thinks. He knows exactly what Bones is thinking.

“How’s Spock?” he asks as a nurse is doing something to his hand that doesn’t involve a hypospray.

“Okay, I guess. You never know with Vulcans until it’s far too late.” McCoy shrugs.

“True enough. The rest of them?”

“Bruises, malnourished, a few broken bones. Nothing life-threatening, though. Still, severe shock and trauma. I hope the authorities are doing their best to find out everything about those people and put them down. Lock them up and throw away the key,” he says.  
Jim can only agree with him.

~+~  
Uhura is sitting too close for his comfort, but she isn’t touching him. He doesn’t even know if he wants her to touch him. She smells different too, but maybe it’s because he was away so long, away from her and with this other woman. Spock has the urge to shake his head to clear it, but it doesn’t work for him – he wonders if it ever works for humans.

“You left pieces of Vulcan love poetry all over the universe…” she says, her hands in her lap, playing with the cloth of her uniform. She’s nervous to see him.

“I knew you would find them,” he says and doesn’t say that he knew this ship would bring him home. He doesn’t need to, not with her. Not with this crew.

“It wasn’t just me…Kirk,” she says and looks into his direction briefly. “He promised me he’d bring you home,” she finishes softly.

“I know, I remember” he answers. She looks up then, grabs his hand and he jerks it away. “I’m sorry…” he says.

She frowns. “No…I…” she cuts herself off.

~+~  
It’s the same reaction, not as severe, but the same in a way, the boy had to her. Like he was afraid of her. She puts her hands in her lap again. She doesn’t know what to do. She is sure Spock won’t tell her what happened, and if he does, maybe he’ll only tell a censored version, for her sake, for his.

“Maybe you should talk to Kirk,” she says after a long stretch of silence.

“About what?”

“About what happened. I know _something_ happened…” she doesn’t look at him. She can’t. She isn’t even sure she wants to know. Not now anyway. “He should know.”

“Yes,” Spock answers, but she knows it doesn’t mean he will actually tell Kirk what he endured during all these months in captivity. She nods anyway.

 

~3~  
Three weeks after he’s back on the Enterprise the Captain grabs his arm and he jerks it away, taking a step back.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t touch me,” he says before the Captain can even ask a question.

“We should play chess again,” Kirk answers after a moment of silence. Spock nods, he doesn’t know what else to do. This wasn’t what he expected. But then Kirk is often like that. “Tonight after your shift is over? My quarters?” Kirk asks.

“That would be acceptable.”

“Good, see you there then,” Kirk answers with a grin and leaves him standing in the corridor.

~+~  
“I missed this,” Jim says, because it is the truth. He missed playing chess with Spock. He missed Spock as well.

“Your move, Captain,” Spock answers. Jim looks the board over and considers. He doesn’t think he can win this game, but that never hindered him. It’s how he is.

“That was unorthodox,” Spock comments.

“As if you don’t know me,” Jim answers with a smile and Spock nods. It’s different from all their previous games. Spock is more distant, but then again he is more distant with all of them, even Uhura, and he wondered for a few days if it’s because she told Spock about them. He couldn’t bring himself to ask her. Now he is pretty sure it’s not about him sleeping with Spock’s girlfriend. It’s something else.

~+~  
“It’s whatever this woman did to him,” Uhura says, she is pacing the room. She just knows this.  
“I’ve seen it in the boy as well. Stonn,” she clarifies.

Kirk nods. “Yeah, he seems distant.”

She laughs unhappily. “He is. I can’t touch him. No one can touch him…” she trails off, frustrated with herself and the world in general.

“Is that why you’re here?” he wants to know and she looks sharply at him.

“I am here because I need you,” she says.

He cocks his head. She hates him right now. “For what?”

“Where is your fucking guilt?” she challenges. She is so angry and she needs to let all of this go and she knows it’s not fair to him or Spock or herself, but she can’t help it.

“Fucked it all out with you. And yours?” he asks.

She doesn’t know. She can’t feel it anymore. Somewhere along the way this turned into something else. The desperation is still there, the need and hunger and wish to just forget for a few minutes, but there are other things as well. Stronger things.

“Gone,” she whispers and leans against the wall.

“I thought so…” he says and doesn’t need to elaborate. Somehow she knows exactly what he is feeling, like she used to with Spock.

 

~4~  
“Bring him back to me,” she whispers into his skin and Jim turns to kiss her. He doesn’t know if he can, but by now he seems to be the only person Spock is associating with on a regular basis. “He trusts you not to…” he bites her lip and he kisses her again. He knows. He knows that Spock trusts Kirk not to hurt him. He knows that Spock can’t seem to trust Uhura that way. Not anymore.

“I’ll try,” he answers her, because that is what he is doing. He tries. Even if it makes him lose her.  
She kisses his collarbone then and he turns on his back so she can sprawl all over him. Kiss every inch of his skin. Maybe this is a thank you, maybe it is an apology. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t care either. What matters right now is her skin against his, her fingers around his dick, her hot breath ghosting over his chest.

~+~  
Sometimes she just wants to tell Spock. Just tell him that she’s sleeping with the Captain. Like now. He is sitting closer to her than he has in weeks, reading a book. Not out loud. Not to her.

“Spock…” she begins and he looks up.

“I know,” he answers.

You really don’t, she thinks, but lets it go. “Read out loud, please?” she says instead and he does.

~+~  
Spock doesn’t even register it until later that their fingers brushed as the Captain took away a piece. It was a normal touch. It didn’t make him panic or pull away. After that he pays close attention to all the little ways Kirk is touching him without really touching him. It feels nice. Comfortable. He feels more himself, centred.  
Around week five, Kirk catches on and smiles, grabbing his arm a bit harder and then letting go. Spock is still not ready to tell anyone what happened, but he is maybe ready to be touched again.

 

~5~  
Jim doesn't even realise it at first. It's just so natural, the way he seems to lean into Spock, the way he grabs Spock's arm whenever he wishes, the way he just touches. Not careful and with purpose like he used to at the beginning to make Spock tell him what happened, to centre him. The way Spock _lets_ him.

“I'm not sure you're bringing him back to me,” Uhura says, sighing. She doesn't seem mad, only tired. She's sitting in the chair naked, her head resting on her knee. She looks like something out of a 20th century Playboy. Hot and untouchable. The truth is, Jim doesn't know it either. He keeps silent, because he doesn't know what to answer her. “I'm not blaming you. It's good he has someone,” she says after a while.

“You only wish that someone was not me?” he asks and it comes out sharper than he meant to. She turns her head slightly to be able to look him in the eyes.

“No,” she says. “I only wished he would talk to me too.”

“He doesn't talk, Uhura,” he replies.

“You aren't paying attention then,” she says, unfurling from the chair and getting up. She stretches and he wishes for sunlight.

“Sometime I want to see you bathed in sunlight,” he says without thinking about it. She laughs.

“You are a fucking romantic, aren't you?” she wants to know.

“Sometimes,” he admits.

~+~  
Spock isn't stupid or blind. He knows about Uhura and Kirk. He knew from the first week he was back on the ship. It was a subtle shift in their relationship, in the way they talk to each other. He doesn't think anyone else knows, except maybe the doctor. Make that a definite. McCoy knows for sure. Spock also knows that Nyota wants to tell him. He doesn't let her. He blocks her attempts without really lying to her.  
The truth is, when she tells him, he has to deal with it. He just doesn't know in what way; what is the right course of action in a situation like this? He doesn't feel like challenging Kirk to a duel to the death or anything like that. Spock is pretty sure Jim Kirk didn't want for it to happen. It just did. Sometimes things just happen and you have no control over them. He doesn't even feel jealousy over it all. He knows that Uhura still loves him, still wants him back. Still waits.  
Spock is also aware that his own feelings are shifting, not away from her, just towards someone else as well. And that could be a problem.

~+~  
Nyota isn't sure she isn't losing Spock to Jim. And what an irony would that be? She is watching him, watching them. Maybe Jim Kirk can't pick up all of Spock's signals, but she can. She was there. She knows them all, can decipher every single one. She could write a book on the fine art of reading Spock.  
She wants to tell him everything, but he knows already and just isn't ready to face it. She knows that as well. So she waits.

~Part VII~

~1~  
Every touch, it seems, is a game now. A ‘how far can I go before he freaks out’ and Jim loves games. This though, is a game he can’t afford to lose. Not at all. The stakes are too high and if he thinks about it, it isn’t even a real game, even if it’s fun. He pays close attention to everything Spock does, every glance, every subtle movement of his body, every brush of skin on skin. It’s surreal and exciting.

“It’s like I don’t even know what I’m doing,” he confesses to Uhura and how fucking weird is that anyway, to talk about such things with Uhura of all people?

“I know how that feels. I never used to be shy around people or guys for that matter,” she answers, taking a sip of hot coffee that actually tastes like coffee. “And then there was Spock and I was surprised he said yes in the first place,” she continues. “I think he was surprised himself.” She looks at him then and he nods. Sounds like Spock when you know him and Jim is on his way to knowing Spock like only Uhura used to. “He knows about us,” she says after a short silence. Jim isn’t even shocked.

“How long do you think?” he asks. She cocks her head and takes another sip of coffee.

“I would bet since his first week on the ship. He knows me. He knows you.”

“We know him as well,” he answers and isn’t even sure what he means by it. But it’s the truth. They know Spock.

“Are you going to do something about it?” she asks, not really looking at him.

“About what?”

“Oh, I don’t know the unresolved sexual tension between you two?” she says, mocking him.

“Are you nuts?”

“I’m sleeping with you, aren’t I?” she answers and he laughs.

“He still didn’t tell me what happened and that Vulcan boy didn’t either. I tried to talk to him, McCoy tried to talk to him. Sarek took him in and I don’t think we’ll ever find out what they feel.”

“Spock is Vulcan,” she says as if that should be news to Jim.

“I know that!” he says, sitting up. The sheets tangle and he pushes them away frustrated.

“Do you?” she replies.

“You need to start treating him like a person,” he says.

“You need to start treating him like a Vulcan.”

“He’s part human.”

“Yes, but that part only comes out when he’s about to kill someone,” she answers with a smirk. There is no arguing with her there. “And when he’s having sex,” she adds and her smile becomes wicked.

“Oh, shut up,” he answers, laughing.

~+~  
Over the weeks, months, he saw them change. Spock is sure Nyota is very aware of the situation. She knows him. She knows Jim Kirk now as well. It seems to Spock that they are lovers now, people who are actually caring about each other in a way he cares about her, she cares about him. He cares about Jim Kirk. And that right there is a realisation he needs to face. He likes Jim Kirk in a way he maybe shouldn’t. He is also pretty sure that the Captain likes him that way as well. That he is at least on the way. That they are falling and when they land it will be on tangled sheets.

~+~  
“You should just tell him how you feel,” Nyota says.  
Jim looks at her as if she were crazy. She is not crazy, well not more than the rest of this ship anyway.

“You think so?”

“Yes, it worked for me. He never is going to make a first move. I mean, he won’t _ask_ ,” she clarifies and hopes Jim gets it.

“With words, you mean?”

“Yes, with words. I see you are paying attention then.”

“I always pay attention to the important things,” he answers, smiling. She wants to kiss him.

“Move over,” she says, so she can sit down next to him and he does, his fingers stroking her hair.

“I could read Vulcan poetry to him,” he says after a while.

She laughs. “How bad is your Vulcan?”

“The worst,” he answers and she kisses him, because she can and because she wants to.

 

~2~  
“Like a date?” Spock asks and Jim feels like a teenager again. “On this ship?” Spock continues. Oh god, Jim thinks, he wants a wormhole to swallow him, right now.

“Forget it, it was a stupid idea,” he answers, because it seems it was a stupid idea. What was he even thinking?

“No, it was not,” Spock says and Jim looks up and at his face.

“It wasn’t?”

“No,” he answers.

“Okay…” because Jim has no idea what else to say. He’s never been on a proper date with a guy. More importantly, he’s never been on a date with a Vulcan and this is Spock. “Maybe we’ll wait until shore leave?” he asks after a while. Spock nods.

“That would be acceptable.”

“Right, great…” he says.

~+~  
“You asked him out?” Nyota says.

“You told me to?” he asks. He looks a bit nervous if you know how to look and Nyota knows how to look.

“Yes, yes I did. He said yes then?”

“I was surprised,” he admits.

“No kidding,” she says.

~+~  
Not unlike that one time Nyota asked him out on a date, he isn’t really sure why he said yes. The truth is he likes Jim Kirk. He admired him from the start, but there were just too many other factors to consider him more than just his Captain, then later his friend and now? Spock isn’t even sure what they are now, but he is going to find out.

 

~3~  
As she watches Jim with Spock, she asks herself how this will end. How they will fit. Jim and Spock, and her and Jim? Jim and Spock and her and Spock and her and Jim? Sounds a lot more complicated than it should be.  
There is a subtle shift in Spock’s shoulders as Jim touches his arm, he’s leaning into the touch. He’s leaning into Kirk. There is a soft flare of jealousy. He used to do that with her. For the most part she’s happy for Spock. It’s not good for him to be alone. He needs someone to be there for him. It used to be her, she thinks a bit bitterly, and that’s of course the moment Jim chooses to look in her direction. His features sharpen and then soften. He doesn’t look away from her for a long moment and then Sulu says something and she turns to her workstation. After all, the world still turns so to speak. They have missions, deliveries, things to do.

~+~  
Jim is pretty sure he didn’t imagine the jealousy in her eyes. He feels guilty about all of this, he feels guilty about being with Spock when she can’t. He feels guilty for cheating with her while Spock was god knows where, enduring god knows what.

“Spock,” he says, grabbing Spock’s arm and Spock lets him, always lets him touch. “A word,” he continues, stepping into the lift.

“Of course, Captain,” Spock answers. He is perfectly composed, as always.

“I was sleeping with Uhura when you were…gone,” he says and he makes himself look at Spock. Look him in the eyes as he says it.

“I know,” Spock answers. Of course, Jim thinks. He knows as well.

“I didn’t mean to. It just happened because you weren’t there,” he says. He hopes Spock gets what he is trying to say here, because this sounds so much worse when said out loud than it sounded in his head.

“I understand, Captain.”

“Could you not do this?” he asks annoyed, leaning against the wall.

“What exactly?”

“Say Captain. Just call me by my name, for fuck’s sake. I mean, we’ve made out – the Vulcan way, but still. Shouldn’t we be on a first name basis by now?” he replies.

“Very well, Jim,” Spock answers and Jim feels the tension drain out of him. This is Spock, this might even work. He wants to say ‘thank you’ but he doesn’t, he just brushes his fingers against Spock’s and closes his eyes briefly. He’s on shaky ground at best here, but Jim always just jumped in. There are only two options. Always only two: Make it or don’t. He tightens his fingers around Spock’s and pulls him in. And Spock lets him, lets him kiss his lips and open his mouth and explore his taste.

~+~  
Kissing Jim is different from kissing Nyota. He doesn’t feel in control, but he also doesn’t feel controlled. Nyota used to let him lead in the beginning before things got serious between them. Jim is leading, but not controlling. Spock knows he will pass over his control as soon as Spock wishes it. It makes this easier, knowing that.

 

~4~  
“I can’t do it alone,” Jim says and she looks at him as if he were crazy.

“What?”

“The whole being with Spock thing? Isn’t working,” he answers.

“Because you saw me looking?” she asks and her voice is sharp, cutting.

“Yeah, because it’s not right. I don’t deserve…” he trails off, because that is stupid. It’s not about deserving anything. Spock is giving willingly, Uhura as well.

“Are you thinking now?” she asks, a bit softer.

“It feels wrong without you,” he blurs out, because that’s what is bugging him. He misses her.

“While you fuck?” he asks.

“We aren’t,” he says.

“Oh, okay.”

“I think he misses you, too,” he answers. She grabs his hand and squeezes.

“Yeah…” she says and nothing else.

~+~  
Here is the thing: Nyota misses Jim. Misses how he makes her feel when he’s inside her, misses the lazy strokes of his fingers when they’re just lying in bed after. She doesn’t know why they aren’t sleeping together anymore. They just aren’t. They meet, they talk, they share, but they don’t have sex. It’s like now that Spock is in the picture, they’re hovering, waiting. For what she doesn’t know, maybe for Spock to decide.  
Maybe for everything to fall apart again.

~+~  
“You and Nyota,” he says and Jim looks up from the board and at him.

“Yeah?”

“You aren’t intimate anymore,” he says and it’s not a question. He knows, because he knows her and he knows Jim.

“No, we’re not,” Jim answers. He’s playing with a Knight.

“Why?” he wants to know. There is no reason to stop now. Now that Spock knows the truth. Or to be more correct: now that they told him.

“We just aren’t,” Jim says.

“But why? There is no logical conclusion why you shouldn’t be with her in that way as well,” he presses.

“She misses you,” Jim blurts out. “She misses how you made her feel. I think she even misses your horrible Vulcan poetry,” he finishes, setting the Knight down on the board again. It’s a reckless move, but Spock didn’t expect anything else.

 

~5~  
Here is another truth about life: nothing happens until you make it happen. Or that’s something Jim believes in, so maybe this is just Jim’s truth, but then truth is not an universal thing. It’s subjective at best.

“Shore leave in five days,” he says and Uhura looks up from the book she is reading.

“Okay, I knew that?” she says.

“Well, Spock and I are going on a date,” he says and pauses so that he has her full attention. “And you are coming with.”

“You are insane,” she states. It doesn’t sound like a no, though.

“Sometimes you need to make stuff happen, besides he misses you too. I hate Vulcan poetry. It makes me insane.” It’s the truth as well and it makes her laugh. He counts it as a win.

“Did you tell him?”

“That I hate Vulcan poetry? Hell no, he is all serious about it.”

“I know,” she says softly and then: “Jim.”

“Yeah, I told him.”

“Good.”

~+~  
Spock is sure he would have refused anyone else. Absolutely sure, but after all the things they’ve done and gone through, he can’t refuse Jim, or Nyota for that matter.  
Nyota looks beautiful in her yellow dress and Jim looks just…well, like Jim. He thinks it should be more awkward, or uncomfortable, but it really isn’t and that is because they know each other for so long now. There is nothing to hide, even if Spock still doesn’t share everything. It’s not because he doesn’t want to face it or because he doesn’t trust them, it’s because it has no room in his life. No room in this part of his life. Here, with Jim and Nyota.  
He shares enough of his trauma with the healer he sees once a week.

~+~  
After dinner they end up on a beach, with two moons and dark sand under their feet. It reminds her of this one time she and Spock were alone on a beach similar to this. But then all beaches are kind of similar. Everywhere. Rocks and sand and water. She takes off her shoes and lets the waves roll over her toes, feeling the soft wind on her skin. She can hear Spock and Jim talking quietly a few feet away, she doesn’t know what about and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t need to know everything. Not anymore.

“You think it’s warm enough to go swimming?” Jim asks, closer now, she can nearly feel him behind her.

“It’s not that cold,” she answers and he reaches around her, splaying his hands against her belly. They feel warm and alive.

“That’s not a real answer to my question,” Jim says.

“It is,” Spock throws in.

“You need to pay more attention to the details,” she says and feels him laugh against her skin.

“I always pay attention to the important things,” he replies, his lips brushing her neck. Spock steps forward then. His body close enough that she can feel his body heat. Her fingers brush his and he closes his hand around her wrist, staring out into the night.

 

~Epilogue~

~+~  
It takes them months of patience and small steps. The first time she kisses Spock he nearly jerks away, but Jim is there, holding him in place, whispering something undoubtedly dirty into his ear. She knows all about his words and how they can affect a person. She knows from firsthand experience.

It’s better now. He’s still more comfortable with Jim than with her, but it’s better. They are able to kiss, touch and he can watch Jim fuck her. She likes the look in his eyes when he does. Loves that he kisses her shoulders afterwards, entwines their fingers. How his tongue tastes her sweat. She is sure they’ll get to the point they once were again, to the passion, the reckless behaviour, the disregard of furniture. She misses all that, sure, but she also likes how Jim makes her shiver with want just to see the glimmer of passion in Spock’s eyes.

~+~  
Jim is not inexperienced in any way, he’s had his fair share of lovers. Female, male…alien. True, he was mostly with woman, but only because they seem to like him, because they are easy to get along with, to be with.  
Spock is different, but then Spock always was. Spock is a challenge and Kirk loves challenges. Loves to make someone squirm and thrash in lust. He loves to see Spock lose it from time to time. Lose his precious control. They don’t need it here, because this is who they are and no one else is going to see it.

“There is no room for shame in my bedroom,” he whispers and sees Spock shiver, his eyes closed against…Jim doesn’t know what. It doesn’t really matter. They will get to the point where Spock can fuck him face to face with open eyes, where Jim can do the same to him while Uhura’s watching. He wants to see Uhura ride Spock, because she always looks so beautiful when she does that to him, her body glistening with sweat, her breasts bobbing – he can’t not watch her. It’s impossible to close his eyes.

~+~  
Spock never had any intention to be with a man or be with two people. But that’s not how life works.  
Since he met Jim Kirk, his life turned upside down. Never is something like he expects it to be. Kirk is unashamed in bed, which he knew from the brief glimpses into his sexual life, but he is also caring. He wants to make the other person feel good, he maybe takes more pleasure from that than the intercourse itself. Jim is all about touching and sharing, running his tongue over curves and skin, caressing bones under flesh. Pulling and pushing for more.  
Spock can’t say he was exactly as freaked out as Jim would say he was the first time, but he didn’t really think he could be with two people. He was sure one day he’ll have to choose and he knows at that point he wouldn’t know whom or how, because he loves Nyota, but he feels strongly for Jim as well. Jim makes him feel good in all the ways things still feel awkward with Nyota. Mostly she just watches him, watches them when Jim makes him moan and beg without words, because he could never say the things he wants. But with Nyota and Jim, he doesn’t need to. They always seem to know what he needs; if he only wants to watch or needs to be touched or fucked or fuck.

“Some day,” Jim says pushing inside slowly, “someday you’ll let us in and I bet it’ll be awesome.”

“What?” Spock says, his skin is tingling with pleasure, his own and a soft echo of Jim’s, Uhura’s where her lips are kissing his neck.

“Telepathy sex… is awesome,” Jim grits out between thrusts and Uhura laughs, her lips soft on Spock’s skin. She sounds happy and she’s beautiful. He grabs her hand and Jim’s thrusts become faster, harder.

“I cannot wait…” Spock says in a mocking tone. Jim grins.

~end~


End file.
